Psychology, Values & Common Sense

I Want To Have Your Baby…

2010-03-10T13:43:00.000-08:00

One hundred years ago, marriage was simply a foregone conclusion. An unmarried person was treated with suspicion. After the advent of effective birth control, human reproduction became unlinked from the act of creating life. It is no accident that the Playboy Ethic and Feminism sprang up at roughly the same time. Men could “play without paying” and women “could have it all – motherhood and career”. Since then, American and Western European men and women found themselves needing to re-invent the wheel when it came to defining their roles in marriage.

Just a few years ago, a friend of mine, who is an academic at a local liberal arts college, taught a course on the History of Science Fiction Movies. In one film, the hero and heroine have escaped the clutches of some monster. The danger has temporarily passed and during a moment of passion, the heroine professes her deep love and commitment to her man by saying something like: “I knew from the first that I loved you. You’re the only one I ever wanted. I love you darling. I want to have your baby!” This line was met with gales of laughter. Her students could not fathom the link between romantic love, sex, commitment and having children.

I have seen similar erosion of understanding this link in my private practice over the years. A number of my younger clients describe sex in much the way Joe Kennedy described sex to his sons (allow me to paraphrase): “Sex is an itch. You can always find someone to scratch it.” This is a bit different than previous generations where serial monogamy existed that implied an ongoing emotional bond or commitment. As a result, recent generations of young men and women, will partner up in a form of serial monogamy that has become “a friendship with benefits”. In a way, this “friendship with benefits” has become an attempt to do away with the pretense that an emotional bond exists and tries to keep each partner’s expectations of the relationship more in line with the temporary nature of the partnership. However, rather than being a “marriage with training wheels”, the older generations model of serial monogamy, this arrangement only seems to increase the suspicions of young men and women regarding the impermanence of relationships and marriage. At the end of it all, each generation after the sexual revolution has become more sophisticated about sexual technique and more clueless about the emotional needs of the opposite sex.

One has to ask that with all this sexual sophistication, why didn’t free-love,
open marriage and the other forms of sexual experimentation of the 60’s and 70’s last? The answer is simple. Unfortunately, most of us are simply not biologically hard-wired to live in a serially monogamous relationship. I’m talking science here and not Puritanism. There’s this little neurotransmitter called oxytocin that gets transmitted during intimate encounters. Oxytocin gives us the experience of feeling bonded to an individual. It doesn’t take many sexual encounters with the same person for the exchange of oxytocin to occur and sufficiently build up to create the feeling of emotional bonding. And so, when we talk about personal chemistry occurring, we’re not kidding. As a matter of fact, there are three circuits in the brain that seem to govern the feeling of love: one governs lust (we all knew that), one governs the feeling of romance (this is the feeling that no one else other than my partner will do) and one governs bonding, that feeling of comfortableness and oneness with another person.

So, how does this get played out with the serial monogamist? Typically a single person, usually male, comes into my office and says: “I have this problem with my girlfriend. I love her; but I’m not in love with her. Do you know what I mean?” I usually stop the person there and say: “Let’s see if I understand this. When someone tells me this, they usually have a story that goes something like this: I was lonely. I met this woman/man. I wasn’t all that attracted to them at first. They weren’t bad to look at, but I wasn’t all that attracted to them in the beginning. I was lonely, and frankly I was celibate for too long. And so, we just kind of fell in bed together. I didn’t think it was going to last for more than a week or two. But, one thing led to another and we have been together for about six months. I tried to break it off after about the third week. But, I couldn’t. When I tried to break it off, I discovered that I had a lot more feelings for this person than I expected. We get along ok in bed and we seem to have this strong emotional bond. But, the romance just isn’t there. It’s at this point that I explain that I’m not psychic and explain how Oxytocin operates. If we take Oxytocin into account, we now understand that 2 out of the 3 neurotransmitter circuits for love are firing whole heartedly in this client, but the third circuit, the romantic circuit, is weak. I believe this explains the reason why the client feels they love, but are not in love with the individual. Fortunately, there are ways to kick-start the romance in a relationship where a deep bond exists. However, my point here is that if you want to avoid bonding without romantic love, there is no such thing as casual sex.

Reproductive choice is a woman’s personal decision. And, the pleasure one takes in sex should be free of guilt. However, the decision to make love, by either a man or woman is inevitably made with the very real possibility of creating or expanding a family as a consequence. As reliable as birth control may be, there are still plenty of parents who, liberated from the constraints of bourgeois guilt and shame, accidentally gave birth to a child.

Let me put it another way. If you are a heterosexual of child-producing age, the words sex, making love, intercourse and all the cruder variations of naming this act are euphemisms for the ecstatically pleasurable process a man and woman engages in to create a new life. Let’s try a thought experiment here. It seems to me that if you wanted to rid yourself of ambivalent and commitment phobic partners from your life, all you would need to do is to eliminate these euphemisms from your vocabulary. For instance, the phrase: “How would you like to come up to my place tonight and mess around a bit?” would have to be rephrased to: “How would you like to come up to my place tonight and create a new life?” That would be enough to strike more terror into a commitment phobe than 10 science fiction movies. Ambivalent candidates would quickly get winnowed out, leaving you with the heartiest candidates and liars.

I understand that for the great majority of my clients and myself included, sex before marriage is pretty much a foregone conclusion. However, I do believe in personal awareness and individual responsibility. Let’s understand what the whole of lust, romance and commitment is all about. Why should saying: “I want to have your baby” to a lover sound like science fiction?

Bibliography

Fisher, Helen (1992). The Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage and Why We Stray. Random House, NY.

Advice to The Newlywed: You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Happy

2009-04-01T11:43:00.001-07:00

When my friends got married, I loved throwing bachelor parties. Many of my friends were in the mental health profession. And many of these therapists did couples and family therapy. Inevitably, someone would ask: “What advice do you have for the bride and groom?” One of the best pieces of advice that I heard was simply this: “You can be right or you can be happy.”

When I counsel couples, we inevitably get into a discussion of what is right and wrong. Usually, at least one partner is concerned about being right in an argument. Without fail, one or both spouses will turn to me to be the arbiter of what is right and wrong in their relationship, confident that I will rule in their favor. As a family therapist, I almost always disengage from such a role. One reason is that discussions about being right get bogged down in a circular argument over what is right instead of discussing what works or what will make the couple happy.

This problem goes back to the first couple. Why was it that Adam and Eve were punished so severely for eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil? One would think that understanding the difference between good and evil would be a good thing. Doesn’t our Creator want us to do good and avoid evil? So what is the problem with eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

The difficulty is that we interpret what is good and evil from the immediate perspective of what feels good or feels bad to us. For instance, let’s look at the story of the Zen farmer:

A farmer who has achieved his Zen enlightenment discovers a horse that has wandered onto his fields. His neighbor comes by, sees the horse and says: “Oh, you are so lucky. What a wonderful horse.” The Zen farmer replies: “Could be good, could be bad. I don’t know.” Soon afterward, the Zen farmer’s son tries to tame the horse, falls and breaks his leg. The neighbor visits and says: “I just heard about your son. I’m very sorry to hear about his bad luck.” The Zen farmer says: “Could be good, could be bad. I don’t know.” His neighbor walks away confused. A week later, war breaks out. The army comes through and conscripts all the able bodied young men. The Zen farmer’s son is rejected by the army because he has a broken leg. The Zen farmer’s neighbor comes by and says: “Oh, you are so lucky, you’re son doesn’t have to go to the army and fight.” The Zen farmer says: “Could be good, could be bad, I don’t know.”

The problem with eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil is that we are seduced into believing the limited perspective of our circumstances. Eating of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil intoxicates us with the narcissistic belief that we understand what is ultimately right or wrong.

Now, this is not to say that good and evil do not exist. My own estimation of good and evil is usually processed through my current physiological and emotional state. I see and hear and experience what feels good to me today. I won’t necessarily see good in what feels bad today, but might be good far into the future. So, that means that I have to rely on something outside of myself to wake me up when it doesn’t feel good to do good or avoid evil. And, I have to accept that I might not know what is coming in the future or that I don’t have all the facts to be able to judge the present.

The addiction to being right keeps individuals locked into their addictions and locked into the circular causality of their relationships. This addiction is more seductive and pernicious than the most powerful narcotics. The potential of the pure pleasure of being right whispers the promise that we can finally be vindicated and promotes the fantasy that we can be victorious over those who have hurt us. All too often I have seen alcoholics and drug addicts cling to their “Right to Drink” despite the damage it does to their health and relationships. Just as often, I see individuals (and I fall prey to this myself) seduced by the possibility of being right instead of the desire to make themselves and their partner happy. As a result, winning the argument of being right ultimately turns into the worst sort of losing.

I sometimes wonder why we have never seen a “Self-Righteousness Anonymous.” The answer is simple. We are still too busy eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil to attend the meetings.

I-Statements

2008-11-10T14:08:00.000-08:00

I-Statements are probably the best known, most effective and least properly used technique for improving communication, resolving conflict, and setting boundaries. They usually are composed of 3 parts:

1) When you _____, (Report a concrete observation of the other person’s behavior.)
2) I feel_________. (Report on how the other person’s behavior makes you feel.)
3) In the future, please_________. (Make a request.)

Dos

Do report the other person’s behavior concretely, without characterization or judgment.
Do report how you feel accurately and without judgment.
Do make a specific request that is realistic, time-bound, concrete and doable

Don’ts

Don’t exaggerate, use sarcasm, irony, innuendo, name calling, punishment, or blame.
Don’t exaggerate or minimize how you feel.
Don’t turn the I-Statement into a You Statement. (I feel that you…)
Don’t substitute an evaluation for an emotion. Tell the other person if you are happy, glad, sad, irritated, angry, nervous, afraid, or hurt. Avoid: “I feel like…” or “I feel that…”
Don’t leave out the request.
Don’t make unreasonable, impossible or unclear requests.

Put This Tool to Work

At first, you might find that using this tool seems difficult, unnatural or fake. As with any tool, it takes time and effort before you get the hang of using it. Practice. Consciously make an effort to use I-Statements in low-risk situations at least 3-5 times a day until you do it naturally, without effort and without having to think about it.
Use I-Statements where they are needed. If you use them at work, be sure that you also use them at home or anywhere else they are needed.

Pre-Wedding Freak-out II: Parents

2008-05-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, family and friends will tend to act-out just prior or even during a wedding. It’s important to remember that a wedding doesn’t join two individuals in marriage; it joins two families and two sets of friends too. Let’s examine this in a bit more detail by looking at the issues that parents often have around weddings.

Parental Jealousy

We like to think of ourselves as rational human beings. However, if I am honest with myself, occasionally I am far from rational. Sometimes this is a good thing. The strong loving bond between a parent and child is not rational. That relationship transcends rationality. If we placed parenthood on a balance ledger, and weighed the advantages and disadvantages of having children, it would logically appear that kids simply aren’t worth the trouble. Yet, despite the hassle and problems of being a parent, given the choice again, I would make the same decision to be a parent without a moment’s hesitation.

This evolutionary bond is powerful. This is why when we go walking in the woods, the rule of thumb is never walk between a large animal and it’s young. Even an unintentional invasion of this sacred space can provoke an attack if the animal believes their babies are in danger.

Now, I know this is not rational, but even through both my daughters are years away from dating, I’ve already started bulking up at the gym in order to make an impression on my eldest daughter’s first date! I went down to the local scrap yard three years ago to pick out a two foot length of lead pipe so that when my daughter’s young suitor comes to call, I can stand in the front doorway before he comes and ask (holding the lead pipe in my right hand and bouncing it on my left palm): “Where are you going? Who are you going with? When will you be back? Do you have any personal references? What is you parent’s phone number?” I have a dark irrational secret that I won’t admit to anyone, often not even to myself – I’m already jealous of my daughter’s potential suitors.

Remember, I love my two daughters. I have invested my life, career, fortune, time, emotions and even physical stamina in these two kids. I would give my own life for them. Inevitably, my children will grow up and probably want to get married. For 20 or more years they will have been a source of love, pride and joy. After twenty years of this, do you think I want some young, inexperienced little snot to come and take my daughters away from me. Why wouldn’t I be jealous? This is why we have that hackneyed aphorism: “Don’t worry, you’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.” Without a doubt, when this time comes, someone will say this to me. This is the moment when I and any other decent self-respecting parent will buck-up, put on a stiff upper-lip, smile and say: “Yes, I know. Don’t they look wonderful together?” The reason I will smile and agree is simple. Marriage is part of the natural order of life. My job as a parent is to launch my daughter into adulthood. Releasing my daughter at the appropriate time is part of that job.

Will I try to hide my jealousy? Yes, because I owe that to my daughters. It’s part of being a good parent. I hope that when my daughters catch a glimpse of my struggle to let go they will observe my stiff upper lip and know that my struggle with jealousy is just an indication of how strong that bond between us is.

Parental Loss

As I mentioned in my previous post, the marriage of a child inevitably produces a loss for the parent. It’s not that the parent doesn’t also perceive the benefits of the marriage like more free personal time, more expendable money, and more attention from their own spouse. However, the parent will inevitably have to mourn the own loss of their parental role in the married child’s life.

Narcissists

Some of us have a large narcissistic streak in us. You probably know the type. This is the person walks into the room and all the attention instantly turns to them. People who are narcissistic will resent being somewhere the attention is not on them. Weddings can be a hard place for a narcissistic parent as they can unconsciously be jealous of giving up being the center of attention for their kids.

Coping with Pre-Ceremony Parental Freak-outs

Don’t get confused by your parent’s jealousy and loss. They are struggling to be rational about the situation. If they have been responsible adults in the past, they will step-up to the challenge. Instead of confronting them directly, simply assume your role as the bride or groom and allow them the dignity of dealing with their irrational feelings in private. If they have a history of not acting responsibly, expect that they will act-out their feelings in the ways they have in the past and make allowances for this in your wedding plans.
Remember, you are marrying two sets of families, not just two individuals. Weddings are as much for the family of the couple as it is for the bride and groom. Give your parents well defined roles in the creation and execution of your wedding. This will give them important signals about their place in your new life as well as in your Wedding party.
If you have a narcissistic parent, early in the creation of the wedding, give that parent a specific and well-defined place in the event where they know they will be the center of attention. Make sure that you have contingency plans for how to get them off center stage in a decorous fashion if you think they will hog the attention.
Delegate two special friends for each parent to act as “go-fer” and emotional support a week before the wedding and the day of the ceremony. Preferably, at least one friend should be someone who is emotionally close to your parents. Their role is to help your parents with the final tasks of the wedding and give them emotional support so that you don’t get sucked into taking care of your parent’s needs when the demands on your time will be maxed out.

Finally, keep it all in perspective. As my mother used to say, “God gives you family, but friends you can choose.” Once the ceremony is over, you and your spouse can go home, close the door, and get on with your new life.

Preventing Pre-Wedding Family Freak-Out

2008-04-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

The thought of a wedding usually brings pictures of joyous couples exchanging vows, mothers joyously weeping into lace handkerchiefs and the couple happily exiting in a shower of rice. However, before the first invitation gets printed, I have seen many brides in my office sobbing hysterically, feeling torn apart by the demands of opposing mothers, fiancés, siblings and friends. Both large questions like: Is a priest or minister going to marry us? Who should we invite? Who gets left out? And seemingly small details like the texture of your table place card paper stock can trigger emotional reactions from family and friends that seem totally out of proportion to the task of organizing a wedding. Organizing a major event like a wedding ceremony is hard enough. Having your mother and mother-in-law both in hysterics while you are trying to make a decision can seem unbearable.

Amber, a 25 year old, came into my office complaining that both her mother and mother-in-law broke into an argument around the color of the limo that would drive them away from the ceremony. “This is stupid! It’s not the wedding I want. It’s not the wedding my mother wants. It’s not the wedding anyone wants! I don’t understand why getting married has to be so hard. It’s just a big party!” This is where most brides go wrong in their thinking. Amber is not joining two people in marriage; she is joining two families and two sets of friends. We are talking about a major change in the lives of not just the couple getting married, but their family and friends. There is no getting around it. A marriage is a major milestone in life. Major life transitions, whether they are joyful or not, produces change and change produces stress.

Expect Conflict and Deal with It

The best way to cope with pre-wedding family “freak-out” is to anticipate that weddings provide the crucible for two families to work out their differences. Knowing that there is a higher risk for conflict before a wedding can help you think things through and anticipate problems. Don’t think that you are going to prevent or avoid conflict. This stage of development in your family is all about learning how to work together. As difficult as conflict may be, it’s the appropriate resolution of conflict that will set an important precedence and style for working together in the future. Trying to avoid conflict will only postpone the inevitable confrontation until later.

Establish Your Territory as a Couple

Your marriage ceremony is a statement to your family, friends and community announcing the creation of the family that you and your spouse are building. The creation of your wedding allows you a first chance to establish your own territory as a couple. Don’t try to please everyone. This is an impossible task. Part of establishing your new identity as a married couple is being able to clearly say what you want. This also means saying no to what other members of your family and friends want.

Handling your wedding ceremony sets some important precedents regarding how you and your fiancé will handle conflict with both families. Each of your relatives will be looking to you for an indication of how you will handle conflict. They may not ask, but they will be observing you. Then, they will adjust their usual ways that they cope with conflict to your behavior. Work as a team with your fiancé. He or she may not have the same relationship or emotional baggage with your relatives as you do. Your partner may be able to communicate with a difficult relative in an effective and caring manner because they don’t have the same history with them as you do.

Styles of Conflict

The best way to think about this is to list all of the players from both families and think about how each of them handled stress and conflict in the past. Some people will sit and stew about a slight forever. Others may hold onto resentment and allow their irritation to build until some minor problem becomes “the last straw” and throw a fit about everything all at once. Some individuals may appropriately express their irritation in real time. While past behavior is not always a good predictor for future behavior, you might get some important clues about how to deal with potential “freak-outs”.

Establish Clear Roles, Tasks, and Authority

Once you and your fiancé and ask yourself what kind of wedding you both really want, you can communicate your desires to your family and friends. Clearly designate each family’s roles and authority. Figure out who in your family has the skills and strengths to be able to carry out your wishes. Remember, some people have the desire to help, but no follow-through. Others have the desire, but no skills. Take a clear-eyed look at each individual. Aunt Zelda might fancy herself a gourmet; but if you can’t stand her cooking, don’t take her with you to choose a caterer. Aunt Zelda probably has other strengths that you do appreciate. For instance, she might also have impeccable taste in clothes.

Let’s say Aunt Zelda is the sensitive type who would take offense to not “helping” choose a caterer. Find a different job for her to do that would still allow her to make a contribution to your wedding. You might say something like: “I know that you love to cook, but we need you for something that’s really important to me. Could you help me select my gown?”

Keep Your Perspective Loving and Respectful

While marriage is the most natural and wonderful of all human activities, the families of the bride and groom really do feel a sense of losing a son, daughter, brother or sister. Mom may comfort herself with the cliché: “You’re not losing a son, you’re gaining a daughter”. But the sense of loss is very real. Each family member’s life is going to change in some significant and subtle ways. The easiest and way to help your family members make this important transition is to let them know that you want to make that transition with them together. Let them know that they have a part in your new future. After all, there is life after a wedding.

What is Romance?

2007-11-19T14:16:00.000-08:00

In the old days, miners carried canaries down into their mine shafts. If the canary lived, the mine was safe. If the canary died, the miners knew they were in trouble because of toxic gases. When it comes to relationships, romance tends to be the canary in the mine. When there are serious relationship problems, romance and mutual fun tends to die.

When couples patch their relationships together in therapy, one of the first dilemmas that couples face is how to get the romance back into their lives. They look back nostalgically at the beginning of their relationship, a bit sad at the impossibility of capturing the magic of their first meeting. While this sort of thinking can provide my clients with important clues about what made them excited and happy at the beginning of the relationship, these memories rarely help the couple recapture the magic.

According to Helen Fisher, a prominent anthropologist, romance is the civilization of sex. Viewed from a cultural perspective, this is probably true. This is probably why relationship books rarely go into much depth regarding the nature of romance. Typically, what you see is a lot of talk about the need for romance in a marriage and then a discussion of seduction and foreplay. As most couples will tell you, sex is not romance. However, most couples are hard pressed to tell you exactly what romance is.

As I mentioned before, nostalgically thinking about the way the couple behaved at the beginning of the relationship can offer important clues about the nature of romance.

Couples will generally report that at the beginning of their relationship, when romance was alive, they experienced:
1) The excitement of discovering someone new that you love.
2) A mutual feeling of being special or primary in the other person’s life.
3) A mutual feeling of being understood in a way that was different or more special than in other relationships.
4) A bond that transcended normal relationships.
5) Sexual excitement and novelty.

One or both partners in a troubled relationship will complain that they can’t possibly “recreate the romantic feelings they had when their relationship was new”. However, older, successful couples will actually report an improvement in the value of their relationship with their partner and an improvement in their sex lives over the years. This is because they acquire the trust that allows them to teach each other and learn new things about what gives pleasure to their partner in their daily lives. Couples who are not willing to learn what actually gives their partner pleasure and accommodate them tend to get stuck in their inability to be responsive to the other partner’s emotional requests. It is this lack of trust and the willingness to become vulnerable in expressing one’s needs or moving beyond one’s comfort level to accommodate a partner that keeps the couple stuck. Think of it in these terms. Healthy couples who are romantic are able to find novelty in their own relationships.

As I mentioned before, sex is just one ingredient of the feeling of romance. And certainly, in a healthy relationship, sex is an important element. Often, couples will become sexually bored and resentful because they are unwilling to communicate their desire for exploring new sexual territory. Often, sexual experimentation within the context of a committed relationship will indeed provide the excitement and novelty that both partners seek. However, there is a common dilemma that occurs when the romance has drained out of a couple’s life. If one or both partners feel resentful or hurt, proposing sexual exploration will provoke feelings of bitterness or vulnerability, making sexual exploration too hard a challenge for the couple. All too often, before this aspect of the relationship can be recovered, trust and respect have to be re-established.

So what is romance? If you look at the remaining four perceptions that describe the feeling of romance, we see that romance is the ability for both partners to reciprocally communicate their feelings of being mutually bonded and special to each other. If you are looking for the magic formula for romance, here it is. Simply say these words to cast your spell: “Darling, you’re the most important thing in my life. Nothing else comes close. I don’t care what else happens, we’re going to get through this together.” Then act congruently with this.

I will address how this is done in a future post.

REFERENCES

Fisher, Helen (1982). The Sex Contract: The Evolution of Human Behavior. NY, NY: W. Morrow.
Fisher, Helen (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. NY, NY: Henry Holt & Co.

The Problem With The Past- Part II: Couples

2007-07-05T18:40:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, our perception of the past can seduce us into believing that our choices are so limited in the present that we are unable to move. Part of what happens in the process of psychotherapy is that we begin seeing the present as just the present. We become freed of our feelings of being trapped by our past. We learn to see our present, not influenced by the lens of past history, but directly and immediately.

The same problematic thinking poisons relationships. “Yesterday my partner was a problem. Today my partner did the same thing as yesterday. Therefore tomorrow will be no different. My partner will never change.” In these sorts of circumstances, no change is possible. We virtually guarantee that our lives will never improve. What hellish realities we construct with this sort of thinking!

Notice, that the same expectation that things will never change, implicitly gives us an excuse to avoid accountability and change. The belief that our partner will never grow or be different gives us the justification for our own inaction.

Worse yet, couples will use the past as a bludgeon to punish their partners. This procedure will obviously impart new injuries to the couple’s relationship and become simply more history to use as ammunition for future fights. Notice that this behavior creates a phenomena family therapists describe as circular causality. Indulging in recriminations about the past, couples find themselves in a never-ending loop of bad behavior and recriminations. (The whole notion of Circular Causality deserves a blog entry in its own right; and I hope to cover this in another posting)

With divorce so common, some partners go into their next marriage expecting that the relationship will break apart. This means that they never fully commit themselves to the marriage until they can see their new partner as someone who is truly different from the last one.

The Problem with the Past

2007-06-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

One of the most misunderstood legacies of Freud was the notion that our personalities were “set” by the age of five and that after that our personalities simply did not change. Even Freud admitted to the ability of the human personality to change. That’s why psychoanalysis was invented. However, most of us in the 21rst century have bought into this odd notion that we are the same person that we have always been. Our personalities are set and the forces that were set into motion by our past decisions will determine our future fate. We are so obsessed with the story of our past, that we believe that since this is always the way we have acted in the past, we will always act this way in the future.

But think seriously about this. I am now fifty six years old. I am not the same person I was at the age of five or ten or twenty or thirty or forty or even fifty. Likewise, I will not be the same person at sixty or seventy or eighty. Not only that, but it would be impossible to remain the same person during these personal epochs even if I tried. Yet, that doesn’t stop so many of us from believing that we are trapped in the inevitability of our own histories. The past determines our present. Our present then determines our future.

Such a concrete view of ourselves is a drearily reassuring myth. I might be a miserable bug trapped in the amber of my past, but I am a familiar one, absolved of the responsibility for my present or my future. No quantum leaps or cataclysmic interruptions in my personal history can disturb my glum equilibrium. The archetype of this wretchedness can be found in the Tarot Card of “The Devil”. Adam and Eve are chained to a stone block upon which perches the Devil. But, look carefully at this couple and you see that the chains are loosely draped around their necks. Either of them, at any moment, could easily slip the chain over their heads if they only slightly exerted their will.

Our power is never found in the past or the future. Our personal power is rooted in the immediate present. I often hear my clients counter: “Well, what about the choice I made eighteen years ago to get married? I’m still stuck with that decision.” That may be true. However, I will counter: “You might have made the decision to get married and have kids eighteen years ago. And, for every day, hour and minute for the last eighteen years, you have made the decision to stay married. At any moment in the present or in the future, you could choose otherwise."

If you want to change, your ability to change lays in the present moment. We can get so obsessed about our past histories that we allow our past to limit our decisions about the present and future. When we wish to change, the question really isn’t: How did I get here?” Instead it should be: “What am I choosing to become?”

OK Cupid. Drop That Arrow and Move Away From Your Bow.

2007-02-14T12:40:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day is here and I was particularly struck by how virulent our distrust of romance, relationships and marriage has become.

I recently came across an article by Eric Bartels of the Portland Tribune that really captured the ambivalence that our society has regarding marriage. And, he tentatively quotes local sociologist Johanna Brenner regarding some of the relatively good news about marriage. One of the things that caught my eye was that people are waiting longer to get into marriage, they cohabit more outside of marriage and that the divorce rate has leveled out over the last 20 years.

Unfortunately, Dr. Brenner seems to be propagating the myth that cohabitation is a good way to "practice" for marriage. However, research has demonstrated that those couples who cohabit before marriage actually have a higher subsequent chance of divorce than those who do not. See: http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/pubtoptenmyths.htm#1.

If there is good news in all of this, it is certainly that the divorce rate has leveled out. I suspect that the children who grew up with baby-boomer parents are using their own experiences growing up in these "enlightened" families and are determined not to wreak the same havoc on their kids. I'm not sure that the readiness to wait longer to get into marriage or the ease at which people co-habit are necessarily an indication of a wiser or more mature populace. If anything, the couples who come to see me are simply more gun-shy.

Mary Morley, a local Portland e-zine editor for CitySearch wrote an article called: "The Trouble with Love Is..." (http://by106fd.bay106.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?msg=46165C6B-8A1F-4D45-988A-936BD162F3D5&start=0&len=20279&msgread=1&imgsafe=n&curmbox=00000000%2d0000%2d0000%2d0000%2d000000000002&a=c46998fc4f9203d336148cee4cd4ea835fac6503fe6c81584e3d82fe6b6cdb92). articulately expressed her and our cultures ambivalence regarding romance, providing tips on how to ignore Valentines Day. Another local columnist for the Oregonian, S. Renee Mitchell named her column: "Single sisters, be your own darn valentine". She firmly states: "Statistics are clear. Single women can no longer base their happiness on finding a life partner."

Yet, what is equally clear from the statistics is that most of us will attempt to find and make a relationship work. I have noticed in my own work over the last four years that from about now until the summer wedding season is over, I'll see an increase of couples seeking premarital counseling. Many of these will be young adults who are making the leap of faith into their first marriage. However, the larger number of premarital counseling cases I'll see will be those gun shy couples who have been divorced and are looking at the possibility of a second marriage, curious to know what they did wrong and what they need to do to get it right. These are mostly individuals who have taken responsibility for their previous mistakes and have decided to make different choices. I'm always struck by the fact that most of my premarital couples are folks who are aware that the odds are against them, but want to arm themselves against the difficult times they know will arrive.

Fortunately, some of us realize that living a life alone without a partner is not a workable option for most of us. These couples who have chosen the route of premarital counseling have decided to make conscious choices. Will their second marriages work? The statistics are not that hopeful. My experience has been that most people in second marriages simply repeat the mistakes of their first. However this brings up another question. How many of us seriously go through the emotional work that is required to figure out what went wrong? Not many.

Think about this. If you know the odds are against you if you just follow the crowd, do you want to do the same things that everyone else is doing? Sometimes common sense is no sense at all.

The Sleeping Beauty Next to You

2006-12-19T05:25:00.000-08:00

Premarital Counseling: Marital Counseling: Relationships: Men: Communication: Assertiveness

A Fable for Men: The Sleeping Beauty Next To You

A couple of years ago, I was watching Disney’s version of “Sleeping Beauty” with my daughters. I was struck by the scene where Prince Phillip is held captive in a dungeon by the wicked Sorceress. Phillip sits in the dungeon cell fuming as Maleficent explains that she intends to hold the prince captive until he is 90 years old. Then, he and his horse, old, wasted and broken, will ride off to rescue the Sleeping Beauty. As I watched, I realized that this was the paranoid fantasy of most men who, early in marriage, experience themselves trapped and emotionally abused by their wives. The fantasy that some men complain about is that: “I will be stuck in a marriage with this witch until she or I die. And then, even if I survive, I’ll be too old to find another relationship where I can appreciate my youth and sexuality.” While I might understand why feminists are appalled at this tale, complaining about Sleeping Beauty’s “passivity”, I am convinced that this tale has some important wisdom for men. I’d like to share this with you.

Students of analytic psychology will often consider fairy tales as though they were dreams. One way of interpreting a dream is to see each aspect of the dream as belonging to the same person. Aurora, the Sleeping Beauty, or Briar Rose in the Disney Movie, is “all-good”. She is attractive, light, loving, and engaged with life. However, being all-good, Aurora is incomplete.

Equally incomplete is the evil sorceress who is “all-bad”. Maleficent casts her evil spell on the infant princess because “she was not invited” to the party. In Jungian terms, the witch in this fairy tale is the Shadow side of the princess. The Shadow refers to those aspects of a person’s personality that are unacceptable to them and are denied or not consciously admitted. Interestingly, if we cast off our Shadow side and do not acknowledge it, the Shadow will reassert itself and “crash the party”. If we interpret this fairy tale as a dream, “The Sleeping Beauty” or Princess Aurora and Maleficent are two cut-off aspects of a single woman.

And so in our tale, we see Maleficent, the Shadow of Aurora, cast off. As revenge, the sorceress casts a spell on the baby so that when the child becomes 16 years old, she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die. (Up until the end of the Victorian era, women used to be referred to as the “distaff sex”, a reference to the spindle on a spinning wheel.) The curse takes effect when Sleeping Beauty arrives at puberty. The drawing of blood, by this not very well hidden symbol of the woman’s defloration, would have occurred in more traditional times at the time of her marriage.

Aurora and Prince Phillip meet and are engaged at birth. In many cultures, marriage is considered the “rebirth” of two individuals into a new entity.

In order to protect the princess from “the curse”, or her own sexuality, the three good fairies take the princess off to the woods to raise her as their own. They rename Aurora “Briar Rose” and hide from her the fact that she is a princess. As in most families, during childhood and adolescence, women and men are taught to subdue their biological drives, sublimating them in the process of socialization. In the process, the libido, or basic life force gets sublimated too. At the time of marriage, sexuality is now socially appropriate. What was once forbidden now is acceptable. Once repressed, sexuality becomes an important part of the marital bond.

Quite by accident, a day before the “curse” is supposed to take effect, Briar Rose meets the prince she was unknowingly betrothed to at birth. On the day that the curse is supposed to be broken, the three fairies inform Rose about her true identity and take her back to the castle to meet her parents and marry the prince. It’s at this point, where Briar Rose (the woman whose sexuality is repressed) is supposed to be come Aurora (the woman who is in touch with her libido again) that Rose is seduced by the witch, or her Shadow Side, and becomes “The Sleeping Beauty”.

Phillip and Aurora know nothing of each other at the beginning of the marriage. Prince Phillip believes that Aurora is a commoner. Aurora knows nothing about her true identity. At the beginning of a relationship, while the couple is attracted to each other, even though they might feel like they have met before “inside my dreams”, one of their first tasks is to learn about the person they have decided to marry. As a couple, they are ignorant of each other’s real natures.

Typically, we are in the throws of romantic love in the beginnings of relationships; we tend to see only the positive aspects of our romantic partner. We are inclined to ignore their difficult aspects. Most folks are aware that the real work of a relationship starts after “the party is over” when the fires of passion and romance fades. Often, at this juncture in the relationship, spouses will comment “they just don’t seem like the person I originally married.” Inevitably, the woman’s Shadow side will reassert itself and attempt to control the male by becoming “a witch”.

In our fairy tale, the prince doesn’t realize that the commoner he just met is really “a princess”. In real life, spouses who lose the initial romance in their relationship forget that their husbands are still the same “princes” and the wives are still the same “princesses” that they originally married. This is why on the eve of the wedding night, Prince Phillip is captured by “the witch”. It’s at this time that each partner must look squarely at their spouse and work within the relationship to find a way to integrate the more unpleasant and toxic aspects of their partner’s personality into their relationship.

Men are typically socialized to address adversity by becoming stolid and silent. While this worked well when we lived in situations that required endurance of physical adversities, this impassive approach backfires when confronting a mate’s noxious behavior. As a result, men have the tendency to retreat within themselves to avoid or keep conflict from escalating. We’ve heard about this tendency as a man “retreating into his cave”, becoming more and more expressionless.

Of course, this has the opposite of the intended effect. Instead of avoiding or de-escalating the conflict, the female partner usually attempts to get the male to respond by becoming increasingly confronting or demanding. From the male partner’s perspective, after weeks, months or even years of this behavioral dynamic, the man’s cave becomes a torture chamber or dungeon from which there is no escape – a dungeon whose jailer is a “wicked witch”.

Let’s go back to our story. Prince Phillip is rescued from his dungeon by the three fairies. Magically, they apply their wands to Phillip’s shackles and they simply fall off. If we look at the nature of the “dungeon” that men construct for themselves, we’ll find that what keeps them locked into their plight is their fear of confronting their partner and losing them or exchanging their current situation for one that is worse. Indeed, these two fears really do hold the potential that their partner will escalate the problem or leave the relationship. Whether these fears materialize as reality depends upon the character of their spouses and the nature of their relationship.

Before leaving the dungeon, the three fairies give Prince Phillip the means to defend himself and slay the evil witch: “The Sword of Truth” and “The Shield of Courage”. The prince escapes the dungeon to rescue his princess. Ultimately, the risk of action exposes whether or not the other partner cares for the man as much as the woman cares about themselves. Some men will choose to remain trapped in their “dungeon” to avoid finding out about the truth regarding how their spouse really will react to confrontation. Others, who get sufficiently tired of their situation, will feel like they have nothing to lose and will assert themselves. Most will, for the most part, choose the status quo and remain imprisoned. Prince Phillip, however, is no “commoner”. He is a “Prince”. He rises to the occasion to fight.

When Phillip escapes his bonds, the witch becomes enraged and turns herself into a dragon. Dragons are usually considered symbols of change and transformation. In this case, the fiery dragon is the woman in crisis over losing control over “her prisoner”.

It’s important to notice that the prince doesn’t go off to attack and slay the witch. Rather, it’s the prince (the higher and loving aspect of the male self) who goes off to rescue the princess (the higher and loving aspect of the female) by slaying the dragon. Again, it’s important that the male confronts his mate courageously and truthfully with the goal of reclaiming the higher and loving aspect of the woman in the relationship by resolving the crisis with the truth. Meaning, the male must take responsibility for emerging out of the emotional shackles that he has constructed of his own volition and confront the “witch” with her shadow side.

Because the witch and the Sleeping Beauty are cut off-aspects of the same woman, it’s easy to be gulled into thinking that the destruction of the witch is the goal. If the male’s goal is to simply “destroy the witch”, he will try to punish and blame his spouse. Since the witch and the princess are both cut-off aspects of the same woman, killing the witch will kill both the witch and the princess. The relationship will become wounded, suffer, and die. Blame and punishment will only erode and destroy the relationship. If the prince’s goal is to rescue the princess, he will simply confront the woman with the truth of her behavior with the intention of preserving the relationship. Along with confronting the woman with her faults, he must also confront his spouse with their love and the reality of their emotional bond.

In the Disney film, the prince rides off to rescue the princess. However, the witch surrounds the Sleeping Beauty’s castle with thorns. Because the shadow side is split off and not consciously available to the woman, confrontation will be with emotional defenses is inevitable. The prince has to cut his way through what seems like an unending thicket of thorns. One thicket of emotional defenses gets cut down and another one springs up to take its place.

Phillip kills the dragon by hurling the “sword of truth” into its belly. In other words, the male confronts the woman with her shadow side and exposes the core issue, Aurora’s ambivalence regarding her need for control. If the woman manages to integrate her shadow sufficiently, the relationship moves to a more intimate relationship. It is at this point that the dragon and witch disappears. The thorns and flames vanish and the Prince wakes the Sleeping Beauty with “true love’s first kiss”.

True love’s first kiss is none other that both partners demonstrating their love to each other, acknowledging both their good and bad sides. Love cannot be “true” unless both partners embrace each other’s positive and negative sides. Both the good and bad aspects of a person must be accepted for a person to experience themselves as being loved in a complete and true fashion.

All too often, both women and men will attempt to push away, hide, rationalize or defend their darker aspects. Typically, this will make them feel unacceptable or unworthy of their spouse’s love and acceptance. This has the effect of destroying intimacy in the relationship. Acknowledging one’s Shadow or Dark Side leaves one emotionally vulnerable to rejection and abandonment. However, if each partner can embrace their Shadow and allow themselves to be loved, Shadow Side and all, they will be able to fully receive and embrace their spouse’s love and acceptance. The couple will then regain the sense of emotional intimacy and romance that was lost.

Interestingly, a similar fairy tale exists for women in “Beauty and the Beast”. However, that is another story….

The Problem with Communication

2006-05-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

Psychotherapy: Marital Counseling: Pre-marital Counseling: Communication

I have come to believe that we give more credence to good communication than is generally warranted. A prevalent expectation is: "if we could only communicate better, we could solve most of our problems". Now, please understand, people who don't communicate well do have more problems. This is because people who have difficulty communicating can't negotiate for their needs effectively. However, if most of my clients (workplace consultations, marital couples and individuals) could resolve their problems through better communication, they would rationally deal with their issues and get on with their lives. Unfortunately, this is not the case. I have often seen instances where better communication actually caused the relationship to deteriorate. For instance, one couple came to see me regarding a long-standing conflict. Convinced that their problem was poor communication, the couple attempted to rescue their marriage by taking a workshop designed to improve their communication skills. The workshop was quite effective in allowing both parties to become more expressive of their feelings. Both partners managed to learn how to communicate their current level of anger, disdain, and disappointment with the relationship more articulately than ever. Both partners knew how to negotiate. However, the couple seemed stuck, headed for the divorce courts with “irreconcilable differences”. This was despite the fact that they could also communicate their love and caring for each other when they weren’t busy engaging in sarcasm and blame. Whenever they tried negotiation, the couple seemed trapped in a series of “violent agreements”, each episode becoming more toxic in their lack of respect for each other.

If you look at our conflicts with our spouses, many of our differences truly are irreconcilable. The list of issues that couples find “irreconcilable” is nearly endless: money, sex, cleaning, friendships, family alliances, religion, values, you name it. Inevitably, couples will have differing values or mutually exclusive desires.

Successful couples don't necessarily "solve" their problems as much as they learn how to minimize the destructive aspects of irreconcilable conflicts and focus their attention on creating a different reality where the unsolvable problem is no longer so important. Couples will often find that the same “unsolvable differences” that appear to be currently destroying the relationship were present when they had first met and were madly in love. If these differences appeared at the beginning of the relationship when the couple was passionately in love, what changed? Typically, what has changed is the amount of respect and consideration that the couple pays each other. John Gottman has done a remarkable job of documenting how the level of respect and consideration can determine the success or destruction of a marriage[1]. While there may not be a solution for the couple’s “irreconcilable differences”, there might be a solution for making the marriage work. The cure here is for the couple to acknowledge each other’s differences and rebuild the couple’s behavior to a style that is mutually respectful and considerate of each other’s needs.

[1] Gottman and Silver, (1999). Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.

Love and Justice

2006-05-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

Psychotherapy: Couples Counseling: Pre-Marital Counseling: Relationships: Boundaries

“If you loved me, you would put up with my drinking.”
“If you loved me, you would put up with my sarcasm.”
“If you loved me, you would put up with my chronic unemployment.”
“If you loved me, you would…”

There are quite a number of clients who come into my office confused about how much unconditional love they should bestow upon their partner. Often, they are not aware of a subtle form of emotional blackmail that is being perpetrated upon them. Their partner usually implies or says explicitly that the problem in the relationship would go away if the partner loved them enough to tolerate some toxic behavior.

On the Kaballah’s Tree of Life, the qualities of Love and Justice are paired together. This pairing is intentional. It says to us that there is no love without justice and no justice without love.

We live in limited bodies. We live in a limited world. We live a limited time on earth. We need boundaries to keep us safe and happy. While love may be eternal, we are not. We are limited. That’s why wedding vows usually say something like: “Until death do us part”.

Unconditional love is a wonderful trait – for beings that do not have bodies. Unconditional love implies a lack of boundaries. So long as we live in an envelope of skin, we will have boundaries. As much as I love my wife, I have never allowed her to touch the iris in my eyes. That’s off boundaries. Would it be reasonable for her to say: “If you loved me, you would allow me to touch the iris in your left eye.”? If I never let her touch the iris of my eye, would my love for her be any less powerful or eternal? Sometimes, the highest demonstration of love is a respect for the beloved’s boundaries and needs.

Life is often not fair. Life’s stressors will often demand that one of the partners give more to their partner at times than the other. This is where the polarity between love and justice gets confusing. When it appropriate for one partner to sacrifice themselves more than the other?

In strong, healthy marriages, one partner can sacrifice themselves for another in sometimes amazing ways, enduring long periods of deprivation and even death. However under these extreme conditions, the partner who is the beneficiary of the sacrifice is willing to acknowledge and respond to the needs of the partner who is making the sacrifice.

If one partner’s “unconditional love” becomes the only glue that binds the relationship together because the remaining partner refuses to also make sacrifices, or refuses to acknowledge the needs of their partner, the relationship will fall apart once that “glue” is removed. Here is where the emotional blackmail operates. The partner with the toxic behavior will usually hold themselves hostage to the relationship. The sacrificing partner usually knows that if they set appropriate limits, their partner will probably leave. Often, the person making the sacrifice feels a large emotional investment in the relationship. Their hope was that their sacrifices would be acknowledged and rewarded in the future. The fear of abandonment often “locks” the sacrificing partner into the dilemma of continuing their sacrifice or watching their relationship disintegrate.

Quite reasonably, one might ask, where is the demanding partner’s unconditional love? Shouldn’t unconditional love operate both ways in a relationship? And, if the partner demanding unconditional love were truly serious about this, wouldn’t they eliminate their toxic behavior and act respectfully, courteously, and kindly too?

Where there is no justice, there is no love. Where there is no love, there is no justice.

When Will I Be Prepared For Marriage?

2006-05-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

Psychotherapy: Relationships: Pre-Marital Counseling

Never. Marriage is a process. Life presents itself. You never know what is in store for you. Occasionally life gets overwhelming. Life will get overwhelming when you are married too. Nothing prepares you for marriage.

As I said before, marriage is an act of faith. Some things in life will simply be out of your control. When life becomes overwhelming for you in your marriage, you might become emotionally drained to the point of total emotional exhaustion. At that point, the only things that will keep your marriage going are the previous occasions when you demonstrated trust, respect and generosity to your spouse. If you and your spouse are certain that this will continue in the future, you will be able to overcome your adversity.

From the time you decide to get married, you and your spouse will be either storing up emotional resources or draining them. The emotional resources you will be storing up are good will, generosity, respect, trust, good humor and love. Each time you offer your spouse these things, you put “money in your emotional resource bank”. Each time you withdraw from your spouse emotionally or act disrespectfully, you withdraw money from your emotional resource bank. You will either build the account up together or go emotionally bankrupt together. There will be times when you or your spouse will incur emotional debts to each other. Sometimes both of you will be overdrawn. But if there has been sufficient history of good will, generosity, respect, trust, good humor and love, you will extend “credit” toward each other.

The relationship ends when one partner no longer cares. That’s when relationships get broken beyond repair.

When Is It A Good Time To Get Married?

2006-05-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

There isn’t a good time. Marriage is an act of faith. An act of faith takes wisdom and courage. Act wisely and courageously.

Relationships: Premarital Counseling

Gender Differences in Communication Styles

2005-12-30T16:08:00.000-08:00

Psychotherapy: Counseling: Marital Counseling: Premarital Counseling

I’d like to talk a little about gender issues and talk about how differences in communication styles between genders might contribute to conflict.

John is a 36-year-old computer engineer. He works for a large corporation and is moderately successful. Mary is his 31-year-old wife who is a nurse and works happily at a local hospital. They have been married for three years and have a two-year-old daughter. The couple decided to come into therapy because their arguments have become increasingly unproductive, hurtful and blaming. While they both believe themselves and each other to be reasonable people, they have difficulty negotiating with each other. Both partners are committed to the relationship; but they know if they don’t change soon, their relationship could hit the rocks. Here is what the couple describes as their problem

Mary: I guess I just don’t feel like I get enough support from John. He just doesn’t listen to me. He turns me off. He always accuses me of nagging. He treats me like I’m some kind of child. But, I really don’t nag. There are real problems that need real solutions and sometimes we just need to talk. But when I want to talk about, say our money problems, he just listens and clams up. (John is sitting silently with his arms folded.) There are times when I just want some feedback. I want to know what he’s thinking. But he just thinks I’m a silly nag. See. He’s doing it now. He’s just sitting there like a lump. (John continues silent with his arms folded.) You see! I just wish he could learn to open up more and be more expressive of his feelings. (A long angry silence ensues. The situation feels like both partners are hunkered down in their trenches.)
Jacob: You know Mary, even silences communicate. Do me a favor, could you sit there like John is doing now? Yes, that’s right fold your hands and stay silent for a while. Use his same expression on your face…. The angry silence continues a while longer. Mary I wonder how you are feeling.
Mary: Angry. Defensive. Like… Just try to get at me. I dare you. Don’t cross this line.
Jacob: John, is that what you’re feeling?
John: Darn right. She’s always intruding into everything. I feel like I’m smothering… trapped. I’ve tried to work things out with her, but every time I try to solve the problem, she flips out on me. She says I’m trying to run roughshod over her. She says that I don’t consider her feelings. I try to offer logical and constructive solutions to her problems, but then she refuses to do any kind of problem solving. She just gets upset. I’m tired of her silly immature behavior. I just wish that she’d be less hysterical and more logical.
Mary: Well, at least I have some feelings. I’m not like some cold calculating computer….
John: (Exasperated) Well at least I can solve my problems.
Mary: (Furious) I solve my problems! I’m a nurse! Stop treating me like I’m some kind of stupid, silly child.
John: (To Jacob) I don’t get it. Sometimes I feel like we’re not talking the same language.

Does this sound familiar? The same pattern of complaint seems to resonate in the majority of troubled couples I see. Men complain that women are illogical, silly, intrusive, nagging and hysterical. Women complain they would like their men to be more emotionally expressive, less controlling and aggressive, more sensitive and considerate to their needs. Could it be that men and women not only have different physiologies, but different patterns of personality development?

Kohlberg, Gilligan and Moral Development

Lawrence Kohlberg studied the moral development of children. Kohlberg was mainly interested in how children solved moral dilemmas across age groups. His method was to provide a child with a vignette of some moral dilemma and try to find patterns in how the child found a solution to the problem. In this process, Gilligan made a striking observation. Male children tended to use roles, rules and logic to solve these moral dilemmas. Female children tended to solve the same dilemmas by looking at the network or relationships involved, and attempted to establish a consensus to ensure that no one was left out. (Gilligan, 1982)

Separate Lines of Individuation and The Language of Men and Women

Gilligan reasoned that men and women established their identities differently very early on while individuating from their mothers. Female children emerged from the womb with similar physiologies and activation levels. Therefore, they saw relatedness in their body types. Their individuation process was based on mirroring and maintaining similarities in emotional responses. Male children emerged from the womb with different physiologies and activation levels. In order to maintain and enhance their differentness from mom, male individuation relied on establishing rules and roles, and clarifying and logically resolving differences. This is why boys will typically evoke a rule (or logic) to establish order amongst their relationships and girls will break rules (or logic) to maintain relatedness.

Going back to our Case History, Mary knows she can logically understand the problem. She doesn’t want John to fix the problem. Mary must first feel relatedness before she moves to logic and problem solving. Mary needs the time to feel that she and John are on the same “feeling wavelength” before she moves on to logical solutions. She just wants John to listen. Once John listens, she will hear John’s desires and do whatever she can to maintain her relationship with him – including breaking the rules.

John’s sense of self is based on moderating differences. He sees Mary suffering. While he feels Mary’s suffering, his response is to jump into his role as husband and take action to reduce her suffering. Logically, why would anyone want to spend time suffering? He can’t understand why anyone would want to spend that much time in so much pain. He begins problem solving at once – and invades Mary’s boundaries. Mary feels railroaded because she hasn’t had time to feel relatedness. She begins to interpret John’s actions as “unfeeling” or “uncaring”. John seems slow or stupid to her.

Not understanding the other’s perspective, John maintains more boundaries and differences the more Mary attempts to increase relatedness by her constant invitations to “share feelings”. John simply sees this as nagging. He also sees Mary’s desire to break rules and logic to maintain relatedness as “silly”, “immature” or neurotic.

Negotiating the Gender Gap

Somehow, despite how silly and neurotic Mary seems to John, she has managed to become a successful nurse and survived quite well before John came along. Likewise, as boorish and thoughtless John may seem to Mary, he also has managed to survive and prosper too. John and Mary will have to learn to take into account the other’s perspective and see value in their mate’s view of the world and their methods of problem solving and negotiation. For instance, Mary may very well benefit from spending less time feeling and more time thinking; while John would probably benefit from spending more time feeling and listening and less time in his head. Each perspective has value and has the potential for enriching the life of the other. Once the separate perspectives of each mate is understood and integrated into the couple’s patterns of communication and negotiation, the couple will find themselves able to get themselves unstuck and move on to greater levels of satisfaction and intimacy in their relationship.

REFERENCES:
Gilligan, Carol (1982). In A Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development. Harvard University Press, Cambridge Mass.

Mahler, M., Pine, F. & Bergman, A. (1975). The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant. BasicBooks/Harper Collins, New York.

Two Singles Or A Couple?

2005-12-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

Psychotherapy: Counseling: Marital Counseling: Premarital Counseling

At a year old, my daughter’s ability to relate to another one-year-old consisted of playing alongside another baby instead of playing with the child. This is typical of children that age. They are self-centered and are still contained in their own world. The child must relinquish their control over their toys, allowing the other baby into their play space. Each baby must make themselves vulnerable to the needs and desires of the other child. A baby must give up complete control over their environment to sufficiently allow their partner the ability to express themselves in play. The ability to withdraw the desire to control, in order to allow one’s partner to express their personality in the relationship is the first step in establishing relationship.

It’s no surprise that the first problem couples usually confront in their relationship is establishing an ecology of power that works. In a marriage, each partner needs to let go of their personal desires to allow both partners to express themselves in the relationship. In some ways, I have seen young married couples attempt to create this ecology of power through a similar “parallel play” process. However, instead of control over stuffed bunnies and blocks, the couple sets themselves up to play in their own separate spheres of career, friends and children. Often, couples will set up their finances separately, each responsible for his bills, her bills and our bills (which are often split 50/50). Chores will be divided up into your chores and my chores. Typically, an unspoken point system gets established early in the relationship. Cracks and schisms in the foundation of the relationship emerge when life events outside the relationship upsets the couple’s point system.

For instance, one partner may decide it is in their best interest to go to school or take a job in another region of the country over the objections of their partner. In some instances, these decisions have caused long-standing feelings of resentment or led to the break-up of the relationship. This is because each partner was not able to sufficiently let go of control to address the needs of the other partner.

Becoming a Couple
As President Lyndon Johnson used to say: “Don’t spit in the soup, we all got to eat.” This is the primary lesson a successful couple has to learn. The actions of one partner affect the other; and, however the other partner is affected will eventually come back to visit the first partner. Essentially each marital couple is a closed system. Whatever enters the system, whether it is introduced from the outside or the inside, will inevitably affect both partners. Anyone who indulges in fear, shame, blame, punishment, retribution, sarcasm, disrespect, inattention, carelessness in the context of a marriage will inevitably find that this sort of negativity will be visited upon them as well.

The successful couple knows that feeding positive emotions like love, joy, humor, protection and nurturance to their partner will also get funneled into the system and will eventually, but inevitably be repaid. As a result, the couple learns how to think and strategize together, including their partner in their goals and plans. They know that what John Lennon wrote was true: “Instant karma is going to get ya!”

Rejection and Emotional Baggage

2005-11-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

Relationship Counseling: Pre-Marital Counseling: Dating

Occasionally, I will get a client who is ambivalent about sexual relations. They will address their sexual relationship in a manner that gives the feeling as though they are “sleeping with the enemy”.

Obviously, it’s important to explore ambivalent attitudes about the opposite sex. It’s also necessary to seek out and integrate what the client had experienced in their past that created such negative and ambivalent feelings.

However, it seems like I am seeing a great many men and women, who have been emotionally trampled by the boundary confusion that accompanies most dating in our society. Unfortunately, most of us seem to assume that people need simply to develop the emotional armoring to withstand this sort of turmoil; and that a lack of armoring is a result of a traumatized personality.

Frankly, we need to accept that dating does open people up to rejection. Repeated rejection or traumatic rejection can be damaging to one’s sense of worth and self-esteem. This sort of emotional injury can be especially true for someone who meets someone who seems to be a good match and subsequently rejected. I’ve seen this in myself and my clients. It might take a couple of years before one finds someone who might fit the bill for becoming a potential mate. Expectations are built up. After the rejection comes the loss of the potential mate, and the prospect that it might again be years before another possible mate is located again rears its ugly head. It’s common to see the rejected person go through a full-fledged grief reaction. The rejected partner may not be in shape to start their search again until they have fully mourned the loss of their love object.

Interestingly, unless the rejected person has mourned this loss sufficiently, they can just go onto the next relationship, depressed and angry, unable to enter fully into the new relationship. Unfortunately, I’ve seen a good many single men and women go through this process until they generalize their feelings to all members of the opposite sex. Destructive relationships then simply become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I will talk about dealing with rejection in another posting. However, I will say that it is extremely important to mourn the loss of a seriously potential partner fully. I had an instructor who once said: “It’s important to say good-bye fully to the last partner so that you can say hello to the next one.” The last thing you want to do is allow past rejections to detract from your ability to be open to the one relationship that will work for you.

Why Arguments Are Unproductive: The Problem with Anger.

2005-11-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

Relationships: Couples Counseling: Marital Counseling: Communication

There are a number of reasons why arguments are unproductive. Today, I will address just one reason, perhaps the most destructive one. It seems self-evident, but couples often become stuck in their anger. Escalating anger can create downright dangerous situations. It is crucial to remember that there is no good reason why anyone should remain in an emotionally or physically abusive situation. There is no excuse for domestic violence. Period. If you are in an emotionally or physically abusive situation, then it’s time to seek professional help. The best way to do this is to contact your local county mental health department or hospital. Both of these organizations will have information about resources in your area.

Now, having said that, I would like to talk about the causes for why couples tend to become stuck in their arguments and why anger tends to escalate. The main reason for this is that most people don’t understand that anger is a reaction to pain or fear.

Most couples find themselves stuck reacting to their partner’s anger with their own anger. At some point, one or the other party becomes defensive and responds by withdrawing or attacking. The longer or more intensely these angry reactions continue, the more likely it is that reproaches, sarcasm, criticism, and punishment will take the place of negotiation, communication and rational thought. These negative behaviors are toxic and only serve to further damage the relationship.

Usually, nothing will progress in the relationship unless the anger is de-escalated. This means that each partner is committed to eliminating sarcasm, punishment, revenge and blame from their communications. Remember, I didn’t say that this would be easy. However, these negative behaviors are toxic to the relationship. Once they show up in a couple’s communication, their ability to rationally negotiate and communicate disappears. As a matter of fact, these behaviors will destroy relationships.

Even though one or both partners might deescalate the situation by giving in, giving up, or ignoring the situation, unless the couple addresses the cause of the anger by addressing the pain and fear either directly or indirectly, the issue will continue to lurk in the background of the relationship and will emerge when it is triggered again.

Finally, addressing the pain or fear directly can sometimes be helpful. However, when a person is not ready to face their pain or fear directly, forcing the issue will simply serve to make the problem worse. The way to deal with someone who is unprepared to deal with their pain or fear is to address the pain and fear indirectly. This means that the couple must mutually agree to create an environment or ritual that allows the scared or hurt person to avoid or be protected from whatever triggers these emotions. Sometimes this can be done by the couple. However, there are other times when the couple can't resolve this alone because the pain or fear causes a reaction that overwhelms or confuses the other partner. This is when a skilled family therapist should be consulted.

Maybe It Isn't That Bad

2005-01-23T17:02:00.000-08:00

MSN Dating & Personals - The Marrying Man
Rutgers University - The State of Our Unions

I know that I started out this blog trashing psychological research on relationships. I should know better than to indulge in hyperbole. OK, I apologize to all of you hardworking researchers out there. But, here's one piece of research that I thought needed sharing.

What got my attention a couple of weeks ago was this article, "MSN Dating & Personals - The marrying man"> by Margot Carmichael Lester. Margot is a contributor for Playboy Magazine and has extensively written about relationships for quite a while now. The article is a very lively and interesting description of a part of a study by The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University called "The State of Our Unions". Margot addresses the trends of marriageable men in her article. (If you are interested, I suggest you read the article for yourself.) However, after reading Margot's piece, I was intrigued, and went to the Rutgers Website to see the original article. If you’re interested, here’s the website: http://marriage.rutgers.edu/.

So, here's the good news. While the odds of getting divorced remains fairly high, close to the 50% mark we're all familiar with, these researchers have produced a table of statistics called "Your Chances of Divorce May be Much Lower Than You Think". The authors of the study make the point that:

1) Having an income of $50,000 or more decreases your chance of divorce by about 30%,
2) Having a baby 7 months or more after marriage decreases your chances of divorce by 24%,
3) Waiting until you are 25 years old to marry decreases your chances of divorce by 24%,
4) If your own parents are not divorced, your chances of divorce decrease by 14%,
5) If you are religiously affiliated, your chances of divorce decrease by 14%,
6) If you have some college education, your chances of divorce decrease by 13%.

Finally, they conclude that if you meet the criteria for all six risk reduction factors "your chances of getting divorced are very low indeed".

One of the unfortunate attitudes that I find among my individual clients who want to get married and couples who are in premarital counseling is an almost fatalistic view that their marriage probably won’t last their lifetime. However, as this report indicates, only one factor is totally out of a person's control -- whether or not your parents are divorced. Making the decision to wait until you are emotionally mature, making wise choices about sex and children out of wedlock, obtaining your education, choosing to affiliate with a religious community and waiting to get financially stable are all choices that we can make and work toward.

Perhaps having a lifelong partner is not about odds at all. Perhaps it's about making the right choices.

Being Clear About Your Relationship

2005-01-23T01:47:00.000-08:00

There are quite a number of reasons for men and women to date:
* Social interaction.
* Recreation.
* Sex.
* Practicing social skills. (This is particularly true for people who have not dated or haven’t dated in a long time.)
* Practicing seduction skills. (This is particularly true for people who have been celibate or “out of circulation” for a while”.)
* Experimenting with different relationships. (This may be a motivation for people who have had unsuccessful relationships and want to see what other options are available to them.)
* Testing to see if they are desirable to others. (This may be a motivation for people who are insecure or narcissistic.)
* Finding someone to marry. (Yes, and some people really do date to find a mate.)

Obviously, this is only a partial list. The point here is that if you go out on a number of dates, you will meet people at a variety of emotional levels of readiness to tie the knot. This array of motivations is enough to be a veritable field of emotional landmines where your boundaries or your potential partner’s boundaries are in danger of being invaded.

OK. Let’s say you do find someone that interests you. There is yet another tangle of motivations to get through.

There Are Different Types of Love
There is
* Friendship
* Sexual attraction
* The love between siblings
* The love between a parent and a child
* Platonic love between students, teachers, colleagues.

Sexual love is often a fun place to start a relationship, but most couples know that it can’t just remain there. The relationship needs to be transformed into something deeper.

What’s often confusing is that couples will initially meet each other expecting that good friends will make good marital partners. Many dates turn into friendships where the couple will act out their sexual attraction. Later, when these friends decide to marry, they are surprised at the difficulty in transforming the relationship. The task for this sort of couple is to realize that it’s not enough to be friends in a marital relationship. Friends can go home when the night is over. Even friends who live together and have sex have the option of moving out.

A married couple goes home to each other – every night, for the rest of their lives. This is because somewhere after the marriage begins a mysterious thing called bonding occurs. At some point in the relationship, the couple mutually recognizes that they are more than friends and more than just individuals. Marriage has pushed these individuals into a situation where one partner always has to always consider the impact of one’s behavior on the other partner to maintain the relationship. At some point it dawns on the couple that they are no longer individuals, but have transcended into something more than themselves. You’ll often hear widows and widowers of every age describe their loss of a spouse with whom they have bonded by saying: “It was like losing an arm or a leg.” Genesis says it best: “Therefore, shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” We’re not just talking about being roomies here.

Good and Bad Beginnings – Establishing Relationships

2004-12-27T15:25:00.000-08:00

A familiar couple that shows up in my practice is the pair that has lived together for a number of months or years. The man typically complains:

“I never really loved her in the beginning. At first, I was just into it for the sex. But then I was surprised at how strongly our feelings for each other developed. I don’t know quite how to say this… I love her, but I’m not in love with her… Do you know what I mean?”

He feels invaded and wants out of the relationship. She feels rejected. They break up. A short time passes and they both feel lonely. It worked before, so they come back together and have sex again. He takes a risk and tries to establish more intimacy. She gets scared and breaks it off. They both feel lonely and abandoned. They both come back together again. They both do a dance of coming together and breaking apart, unable to resolve their commitment to each other.

It’s pretty standard technique to inquire about how couples decided become lovers. Their story often gives the therapist an important clue to how they negotiate their ways through important transitions in their relationship. I learned this from a classic book called The Mirages of Marriage by Lederer and Jackson (Norton Press). The authors give the following example, one that I’ll expand on a bit.

These days, most couples will say something like: “Well, we just kind of fell into bed together one night.”

Let's think about this for a second. What would you think if I told this story?

I was walking down the street one day. Suddenly the sidewalk opened up and I fell down this chute. On the way down, all my clothes were ripped off. I was tossed onto a bed where this naked woman started making love to me. I had such a great time that we decided to live together.

Pretty implausible I’d say. It’s as implausible as “just falling into bed with someone.” Whether their process is verbal or non-verbal, two people make decisions and agree to have sex. The mating dance can happen quickly and silently. However, starry Kismet is usually the story that couples tell themselves about impulsive decision making when they want to create a euphemism for a lack of courtship in their relationship. For better or worse, one night stands have become the courtship ritual in our society. Unfortunately, there are some unintended consequences that happen when courtship rituals are skipped or rushed.

While sex can be a wonderful doorway to intimacy, it can also simply be a physical release or a temporary solution to loneliness. And, here is where it gets confusing for most people. Two individuals will be sexually attracted to one another. They actually negotiate their way into bed. One or both parties are "in it only for the sex" at first. They find that they are sexually compatible, and the physical closeness is welcomed as a temporary release. Instead of going their separate ways after the first encounter, one or both of the couple decides that "there's nothing else going on" in their lives in the way of relationship, and so they decide to have sex again. They convince themselves that it's not a "real" relationship. It's just a physical one. Despite the fact that they may or may not have made the conscious or verbal agreement that their relationship would just be sexual, the time comes when one partner wants to leave. "Suddenly" one or both partners are surprised at "the depth of feeling that has been built up in the relationship". What they didn't notice was that intimacy had developed in the process of their "sexual" relationship.

At this point, the couple’s relationship gets very fuzzy because of the lack of definition and boundaries that were not set in place in the beginning. It becomes difficult to sort out what type of commitment the couple has with each other, or whether or not it is possible to move to a deeper level of commitment. The person who is ready to make the commitment of marriage perceives this as the next logical step in the development of the relationship. However, often, for the other partner, the sexual relationship was chosen as a “second-best compromise”. They chose the relationship because there was “nothing better happening at the time.” Their perception is that their partner can never be anything other than “second best”. Acceptance of the relationship means a capitulation to fate, one’s inability to tolerate one’s own loneliness, or worse, the inability to withstand the demands of the current partner.

It is not uncommon for these relationships to break apart once the partner who is not in love finds the courage to act and move on to find the partner they think will satisfy them. However, this creates a loss of an intimate relationship. Both partners will grieve the relationship. Abandonment issues pop up for each individuals. Both partners must again face the loneliness of single life. The old “second-best” relationship begins to look better to the partner who is dissatisfied. The opportunity to regain and mend the relationship is welcomed by the partner who is in love. The couple may then get back together again. However, unless something has changed the perception of the dissatisfied partner, the relationship will again seem only second-best. It is not uncommon for these sorts of couples to break apart and return to each other a number of times over the course of five to ten years. Some of these couples will marry; however, the dissatisfied partner will often carry their perception of having settled for a “second best” relationship for years into the marriage.

What We Can Learn From Arranged Marriages

We generally don't give much credence to the notion of arranged marriages in our society. But they have survived through the ages because of the very unromantic phenomena of propinquity. Intimacy develops through the daily close interactions. In the musical "Fiddler on The Roof", Tevya turns to his wife of 25 years and asks: "Do You Love Me? ... After 25 years of cooking for you, cleaning for you, sharing your bed... It's nice to know." We tend to forget that our modern notion of individual choice in marriage and marital fulfillment is a recent historical development.

Our culture has become sexually sophisticated, but relationship ignorant. Most of us in America are now incredulous or disapproving of couples who initiate courtship periods that don’t include sex. Some of us tend to see these couples as “repressed” or “unsophisticated”. However, in our abandonment of the old cultural norms of sexual abstinence, we have also abandoned the emotional buffers and rituals that built trust and healthy boundaries in relationships.

Let’s think about how this works. In America, the guy is supposed to assert himself and ask the woman out. Most men, especially in the beginning of their dating careers go through the tortures of the damned, fearing rejection, figuring out how they will screw up enough courage to ask their woman out. The woman then fears that once the man gets to know her, she will be subsequently rejected by the man for being too unattractive, unintelligent, unsophisticated and so forth. They are on their own when it comes to figuring out how to navigate this emotional minefield. Even emotionally mature couples find themselves alone, confronting a series of ambivalent encounters.

This is not the case in a many traditional cultures. There are a wide variety of cultural traditions that mediate this problem. In the past, parents would simply arrange marriages for their children. While our post-modern sense of individuality is invaded and appalled by this notion, looking at current divorce statistics, we have to admit that we really haven’t done much better at achieving marital happiness or stability than those cultures who have arranged marriages. Instead, we should ask ourselves what can be learned from previous generations and other cultures.

Obviously, marriages that are arranged by parents have their own set of problems. Our own literature is filled with examples of love-struck couples at odds with their parents. However, literature uses conflict to create an interesting story; and so we should not form hasty generalizations from art. Instead, we need to look at current examples, which though comparatively rare, may give us an idea of what arranged marriages have to offer.

Some sects of Orthodox Jews still practice the custom of arranged marriages. One interesting example is the Chabad community. I recently had the opportunity to observe the practice in Portland Oregon when the daughter of the local Chabad rabbi got engaged and married. The practice is a good deal more complex and sophisticated than we might expect. First of all, it is the parents of the bride who will actively look for the groom. The process can take weeks, months or even years. Somewhere around the time that the parents feel the bride is ready for marriage, they will begin the process of making discrete inquiries among families and friends. The mother of the bride will usually interview the mothers of potential grooms. Once a suitable groom has been found, a “date” is arranged for the potential couple. If the bride agrees, the couple may meet each other with an arranged “date”. The potential couple may meet two or three times before they decide to stop seeing each other or get married.

Most of us would cringe at the notion that a couple would commit to each other in marriage after only spending a few hours together. However, let’s compare this to the current norm of having sex shortly after meeting a potential mate. The average American couple risks the accidental birth of a baby before the commitment of marriage. The consequences are then raising a child out of wedlock, abortion, or marriage. All of this is typically done without the support of family and community. One might argue that these issues are easily addressed with birth control. To a certain extent this is true. However, no amount or type of birth control is entirely effective; and so, these issues get pushed into the background, rarely dealt with in a direct and overt fashion by the couple until after sexual relationships have been established. The word sex itself is something of a euphemism. Intercourse, even fornication is something of a euphemism. Making love is another euphemism. Interestingly, the Hebrew language has no parallel to the word sex. The word for sex in Hebrew literally means: “making life.” No matter how you package it, the sexual act has the potential for creating life. No matter how sexually liberated or sophisticated you might be, ignoring this issue is ignoring nine billion years of evolution and your own body.

I’ve counseled a number of adolescents who feel pressured into premarital sex by their peers and the media’s preoccupation with teenage sexuality. When asked what their anxiety is about having sex, inevitably the answer is: “I’m not ready to have a baby yet.” Or, “I’m not ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life.” This has nothing to do with “repressed sexuality”. Instead, this has to do with the lack of preparation and support for marriage. Interestingly, these adolescent clients are more clear and straightforward about these issues than their adult counterparts. This is because as adults we become more adept at denying the relevance of sex. I'm not advocating sexual repression. Instead, I am recomending mindfulness.

The “arranged marriage” has some interesting features that could be helpful to us. First, the bride and groom are emotionally buffered from repeated emotional rejection by the parent’s “winnowing” of potential mates to a “short list”. Second, the two families of the bride and groom are involved in making the match. The marriage becomes a blending of families, as opposed to the blending of individuals where families are belatedly integrated into the couple’s lives. Newly married couples that hold with this tradition are set up and supported financially by the two families until they become self-sufficient. The couple emerges out of the collaboration of two families, not two individuals.

Arranging Your Own Marriage

There are lots of reasons why many of us, especially those of us with divorced parents, are rightfully mistrustful of our parent’s capabilities or our parent's understanding of their children's sensibilities when it comes to marriage. Some individuals feel that they have no model for a successful marriage. Obviously, the arranged marriage is not going to work in our culture.

Nonetheless, my single friends and clients will complain about the difficulties of finding a mate. They’ll throw up their hands and ironically ask: “I’m so tired of dating…. I’m about ready to find an arranged marriage. Do you know of a good match-maker?” None of them were serious, of course, but they wanted to be relieved of the burdens we’ve just discussed. It does not appear that society is going to change anytime soon. However, the question they should be asking is: “How do I establish the emotional buffers and boundaries that arranged marriages offer within the context of my own life?” I’m going to outline some of the options single folks have around this issue and then go into more detail in a series of postings around each of these issues.

Use Family, Friends & Groups to Meet New People
Use the people you know and trust to help you meet prospective partners. If your options are limited by your social network, it’s time to start working on expanding your social interests. Date people in the context of your friends, family and interests. Getting married is different than partying. Pick-ups and blind dates can be fun; and yes, you can meet someone to marry this way. However, these situations leave you particularly vulnerable to invaded boundaries and emotional roller-coaster rides. If a friend offers to fix you up with a blind date, have them do this in the context of a larger social engagement. Arrange a double date or a dinner party where the two of you can “check each other out” without a lot of expectations.

Be Clear About Sex
There are lots of reasons why people engage in sex. Be clear about your reasons to yourself and your partner. Loneliness, sexual hunger, experimentation with relationships, healing from past relationships, and sexual adventures can all be reasons for short term relationships. However, these are not the reasons that necessarily lead to a fulfilling marriage.

Be Clear About Developing Intimacy
Sex can be one of the most intimate things you can engage in with another human being. We sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that it is simply “an itch that needs to be scratched” or a fun “contact sport”. Once you engage in sexual relationships, the clock starts ticking and intimacy begins to develop. It’s not a matter of if emotional bonds are going to begin building it’s only a matter of when. If you found nothing appealing about your prospective bedmate, why would you have sex with them? Remember, even people who are kidnapped can form relationships with their abductors. Remember Patty Hearst?

Be Clear About the Transitions in Your Relationships
The biggest hurdle in forming a relationship is negotiating the transition from a sexual relationship into the next level commitment. Most couples find themselves unable to negotiate their way through this and resolve the situation by postponing a decision to get married or break-up by “waiting to see what happens next”. This leaves the couple in a state of limbo. Waiting to see what happens next usually means the couple has decided to continue with more of the same. You may want to decide to do this. Just remember that your real decision is simply to postpone getting to the heart of the difficulty.

How do I know when I’ve found the right person? Research & Wisdom

2004-12-13T15:01:00.000-08:00

My single clients often ask: “What does the scientific research say about finding a good spouse?” I ask them to clarify their interest in their question. They usually say something like: “How do I know when I’ve found the right person?” Unfortunately, the scientific literature is not terribly helpful with this question. Last year I took a seminar in human sexuality. The 450 page text (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, 1998) that was used was a fairly good representative summary of the literature in this field. Typically, out of the 450 pages, only three pages addressed this question. Three studies that were presented indicated that couples tended to be matched by physical attractiveness (Kalick,1988) and another cited matching weight (Schafer & Keith, 1990). A third study was cited indicating that “The central motive for seeking “matches” seems to be fear of rejection by more appealing people (Bernstein et al., 1983)”. Now if this information doesn’t sound useful, you’ll be relieved to know that the text also described the differences in preferences between men and women. The startling observation was made that in 37 cultures that were surveyed, men placed greater value on “good looks” than did women.” In all fairness, the text does go on to address other characteristics like political views and values. However, the conclusions that are derived are just as obvious as the ones I’ve previously mentioned. The reason for this is simple. Scientific research can only deal with that which is directly observable. While this sort of information is scientifically reliable, it is information that is, for the most part, obvious. This is why I will talk about the literature with my client; but I also try to clarify their intent in understanding their motivation for asking.

As a therapist, I’m still stuck with the issue of how to help my client answer the question: “How do I know when I’ve found the right person?” My mother had a better answer than any of the textbooks or articles I’ve read on the subject. She simply said: “Find someone whose happiness is as important to you as your own. Then, make sure that your happiness is as important to them as their own. If it is, you’ve got gold.”

Now, my Mom was a pretty smart cookie. And, she did have a long and happy marriage to my Father, was widowed and had a second happy marriage that lasted nearly 20 years. However, that can’t be the justification for a clinical intervention. However, notice that my Mother’s advice contains a number of implied rules that addresses the client’s problem. If I were to spell these rules out, we would have the following:

1. The client has to be able to look past their own narcissism.
2. Their potential mate has to be able look past their narcissism.
3. Each potential partner has to be attentive and responsive to the other in a positive fashion.
4. Each partner must know themselves sufficiently to understand what makes them happy. This assumes that each partner has some self-awareness and positive self-concept. They must also have the capacity to be emotionally nourished and satisfied.
5. Each partner must know the other person sufficiently to understand what makes them happy. They must have the ability to create emotional intimacy.
6. Each partner must be willing to adapt and positively change in response to the other. They must have the ability to create positive rituals in the marriage, negotiate and collaborate.

Notice that for clients who have the ability to look past their own narcissism, my mother’s wisdom forms an interesting algorithm that challenges exploration of clinical issues. Not surprisingly, reviewing the psychological literature with my clients, something that I routinely do usually leaves them feeling rather skeptical about psychology’s ability to guide and heal. They experience themselves as no better off than when I provided them this information. However, presenting the client with a bit of wisdom like this usually challenges them to examine their own values, confronts their narcissism and stimulates self-examination and growth.

REFERENCES

Bernstein, W.M., et al. (1983) Causal ambiguity and heterosexual affiliation. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 19, 78-92.

Kalick, S. M. (1988). Physical attractiveness as a status cue. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 24, 469-489.

Rathus, Nevid & Fichner-Rathus (1998). Essentials of Human Sexuality. Allyn & Bacon. Needham Heights, MA.

Schafer, R.B. & Keith, P.M. (1990). Matching by weight in married couples: A life cycle perspective. Journal of Social Psychology, 130, 657-664.