How do I know when I’ve found the right person? Research & Wisdom

My single clients often ask: “What does the scientific research say about finding a good spouse?” I ask them to clarify their interest in their question. They usually say something like: “How do I know when I’ve found the right person?” Unfortunately, the scientific literature is not terribly helpful with this question. Last year I took a seminar in human sexuality. The 450 page text (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, 1998) that was used was a fairly good representative summary of the literature in this field. Typically, out of the 450 pages, only three pages addressed this question. Three studies that were presented indicated that couples tended to be matched by physical attractiveness (Kalick,1988) and another cited matching weight (Schafer & Keith, 1990). A third study was cited indicating that “The central motive for seeking “matches” seems to be fear of rejection by more appealing people (Bernstein et al., 1983)”. Now if this information doesn’t sound useful, you’ll be relieved to know that the text also described the differences in preferences between men and women. The startling observation was made that in 37 cultures that were surveyed, men placed greater value on “good looks” than did women.” In all fairness, the text does go on to address other characteristics like political views and values. However, the conclusions that are derived are just as obvious as the ones I’ve previously mentioned. The reason for this is simple. Scientific research can only deal with that which is directly observable. While this sort of information is scientifically reliable, it is information that is, for the most part, obvious. This is why I will talk about the literature with my client; but I also try to clarify their intent in understanding their motivation for asking.

As a therapist, I’m still stuck with the issue of how to help my client answer the question: “How do I know when I’ve found the right person?” My mother had a better answer than any of the textbooks or articles I’ve read on the subject. She simply said: “Find someone whose happiness is as important to you as your own. Then, make sure that your happiness is as important to them as their own. If it is, you’ve got gold.”

Now, my Mom was a pretty smart cookie. And, she did have a long and happy marriage to my Father, was widowed and had a second happy marriage that lasted nearly 20 years. However, that can’t be the justification for a clinical intervention. However, notice that my Mother’s advice contains a number of implied rules that addresses the client’s problem. If I were to spell these rules out, we would have the following:

1. The client has to be able to look past their own narcissism.
2. Their potential mate has to be able look past their narcissism.
3. Each potential partner has to be attentive and responsive to the other in a positive fashion.
4. Each partner must know themselves sufficiently to understand what makes them happy. This assumes that each partner has some self-awareness and positive self-concept. They must also have the capacity to be emotionally nourished and satisfied.
5. Each partner must know the other person sufficiently to understand what makes them happy. They must have the ability to create emotional intimacy.
6. Each partner must be willing to adapt and positively change in response to the other. They must have the ability to create positive rituals in the marriage, negotiate and collaborate.

Notice that for clients who have the ability to look past their own narcissism, my mother’s wisdom forms an interesting algorithm that challenges exploration of clinical issues. Not surprisingly, reviewing the psychological literature with my clients, something that I routinely do usually leaves them feeling rather skeptical about psychology’s ability to guide and heal. They experience themselves as no better off than when I provided them this information. However, presenting the client with a bit of wisdom like this usually challenges them to examine their own values, confronts their narcissism and stimulates self-examination and growth.


REFERENCES

Bernstein, W.M., et al. (1983) Causal ambiguity and heterosexual affiliation. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 19, 78-92.

Kalick, S. M. (1988). Physical attractiveness as a status cue. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 24, 469-489.

Rathus, Nevid & Fichner-Rathus (1998). Essentials of Human Sexuality. Allyn & Bacon. Needham Heights, MA.

Schafer, R.B. & Keith, P.M. (1990). Matching by weight in married couples: A life cycle perspective. Journal of Social Psychology, 130, 657-664.