Rejection and Emotional Baggage

Relationship Counseling: Pre-Marital Counseling: Dating

Occasionally, I will get a client who is ambivalent about sexual relations. They will address their sexual relationship in a manner that gives the feeling as though they are “sleeping with the enemy”.

Obviously, it’s important to explore ambivalent attitudes about the opposite sex. It’s also necessary to seek out and integrate what the client had experienced in their past that created such negative and ambivalent feelings.

However, it seems like I am seeing a great many men and women, who have been emotionally trampled by the boundary confusion that accompanies most dating in our society. Unfortunately, most of us seem to assume that people need simply to develop the emotional armoring to withstand this sort of turmoil; and that a lack of armoring is a result of a traumatized personality.

Frankly, we need to accept that dating does open people up to rejection. Repeated rejection or traumatic rejection can be damaging to one’s sense of worth and self-esteem. This sort of emotional injury can be especially true for someone who meets someone who seems to be a good match and subsequently rejected. I’ve seen this in myself and my clients. It might take a couple of years before one finds someone who might fit the bill for becoming a potential mate. Expectations are built up. After the rejection comes the loss of the potential mate, and the prospect that it might again be years before another possible mate is located again rears its ugly head. It’s common to see the rejected person go through a full-fledged grief reaction. The rejected partner may not be in shape to start their search again until they have fully mourned the loss of their love object.

Interestingly, unless the rejected person has mourned this loss sufficiently, they can just go onto the next relationship, depressed and angry, unable to enter fully into the new relationship. Unfortunately, I’ve seen a good many single men and women go through this process until they generalize their feelings to all members of the opposite sex. Destructive relationships then simply become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I will talk about dealing with rejection in another posting. However, I will say that it is extremely important to mourn the loss of a seriously potential partner fully. I had an instructor who once said: “It’s important to say good-bye fully to the last partner so that you can say hello to the next one.” The last thing you want to do is allow past rejections to detract from your ability to be open to the one relationship that will work for you.

Why Arguments Are Unproductive: The Problem with Anger.

Relationships: Couples Counseling: Marital Counseling: Communication

There are a number of reasons why arguments are unproductive. Today, I will address just one reason, perhaps the most destructive one. It seems self-evident, but couples often become stuck in their anger. Escalating anger can create downright dangerous situations. It is crucial to remember that there is no good reason why anyone should remain in an emotionally or physically abusive situation. There is no excuse for domestic violence. Period. If you are in an emotionally or physically abusive situation, then it’s time to seek professional help. The best way to do this is to contact your local county mental health department or hospital. Both of these organizations will have information about resources in your area.

Now, having said that, I would like to talk about the causes for why couples tend to become stuck in their arguments and why anger tends to escalate. The main reason for this is that most people don’t understand that anger is a reaction to pain or fear.

Most couples find themselves stuck reacting to their partner’s anger with their own anger. At some point, one or the other party becomes defensive and responds by withdrawing or attacking. The longer or more intensely these angry reactions continue, the more likely it is that reproaches, sarcasm, criticism, and punishment will take the place of negotiation, communication and rational thought. These negative behaviors are toxic and only serve to further damage the relationship.

Usually, nothing will progress in the relationship unless the anger is de-escalated. This means that each partner is committed to eliminating sarcasm, punishment, revenge and blame from their communications. Remember, I didn’t say that this would be easy. However, these negative behaviors are toxic to the relationship. Once they show up in a couple’s communication, their ability to rationally negotiate and communicate disappears. As a matter of fact, these behaviors will destroy relationships.

Even though one or both partners might deescalate the situation by giving in, giving up, or ignoring the situation, unless the couple addresses the cause of the anger by addressing the pain and fear either directly or indirectly, the issue will continue to lurk in the background of the relationship and will emerge when it is triggered again.

Finally, addressing the pain or fear directly can sometimes be helpful. However, when a person is not ready to face their pain or fear directly, forcing the issue will simply serve to make the problem worse. The way to deal with someone who is unprepared to deal with their pain or fear is to address the pain and fear indirectly. This means that the couple must mutually agree to create an environment or ritual that allows the scared or hurt person to avoid or be protected from whatever triggers these emotions. Sometimes this can be done by the couple. However, there are other times when the couple can't resolve this alone because the pain or fear causes a reaction that overwhelms or confuses the other partner. This is when a skilled family therapist should be consulted.