Good and Bad Beginnings – Establishing Relationships

A familiar couple that shows up in my practice is the pair that has lived together for a number of months or years. The man typically complains:

“I never really loved her in the beginning. At first, I was just into it for the sex. But then I was surprised at how strongly our feelings for each other developed. I don’t know quite how to say this… I love her, but I’m not in love with her… Do you know what I mean?”

He feels invaded and wants out of the relationship. She feels rejected. They break up. A short time passes and they both feel lonely. It worked before, so they come back together and have sex again. He takes a risk and tries to establish more intimacy. She gets scared and breaks it off. They both feel lonely and abandoned. They both come back together again. They both do a dance of coming together and breaking apart, unable to resolve their commitment to each other.

It’s pretty standard technique to inquire about how couples decided become lovers. Their story often gives the therapist an important clue to how they negotiate their ways through important transitions in their relationship. I learned this from a classic book called The Mirages of Marriage by Lederer and Jackson (Norton Press). The authors give the following example, one that I’ll expand on a bit.

These days, most couples will say something like: “Well, we just kind of fell into bed together one night.”

Let's think about this for a second. What would you think if I told this story?

I was walking down the street one day. Suddenly the sidewalk opened up and I fell down this chute. On the way down, all my clothes were ripped off. I was tossed onto a bed where this naked woman started making love to me. I had such a great time that we decided to live together.

Pretty implausible I’d say. It’s as implausible as “just falling into bed with someone.” Whether their process is verbal or non-verbal, two people make decisions and agree to have sex. The mating dance can happen quickly and silently. However, starry Kismet is usually the story that couples tell themselves about impulsive decision making when they want to create a euphemism for a lack of courtship in their relationship. For better or worse, one night stands have become the courtship ritual in our society. Unfortunately, there are some unintended consequences that happen when courtship rituals are skipped or rushed.

While sex can be a wonderful doorway to intimacy, it can also simply be a physical release or a temporary solution to loneliness. And, here is where it gets confusing for most people. Two individuals will be sexually attracted to one another. They actually negotiate their way into bed. One or both parties are "in it only for the sex" at first. They find that they are sexually compatible, and the physical closeness is welcomed as a temporary release. Instead of going their separate ways after the first encounter, one or both of the couple decides that "there's nothing else going on" in their lives in the way of relationship, and so they decide to have sex again. They convince themselves that it's not a "real" relationship. It's just a physical one. Despite the fact that they may or may not have made the conscious or verbal agreement that their relationship would just be sexual, the time comes when one partner wants to leave. "Suddenly" one or both partners are surprised at "the depth of feeling that has been built up in the relationship". What they didn't notice was that intimacy had developed in the process of their "sexual" relationship.

At this point, the couple’s relationship gets very fuzzy because of the lack of definition and boundaries that were not set in place in the beginning. It becomes difficult to sort out what type of commitment the couple has with each other, or whether or not it is possible to move to a deeper level of commitment. The person who is ready to make the commitment of marriage perceives this as the next logical step in the development of the relationship. However, often, for the other partner, the sexual relationship was chosen as a “second-best compromise”. They chose the relationship because there was “nothing better happening at the time.” Their perception is that their partner can never be anything other than “second best”. Acceptance of the relationship means a capitulation to fate, one’s inability to tolerate one’s own loneliness, or worse, the inability to withstand the demands of the current partner.

It is not uncommon for these relationships to break apart once the partner who is not in love finds the courage to act and move on to find the partner they think will satisfy them. However, this creates a loss of an intimate relationship. Both partners will grieve the relationship. Abandonment issues pop up for each individuals. Both partners must again face the loneliness of single life. The old “second-best” relationship begins to look better to the partner who is dissatisfied. The opportunity to regain and mend the relationship is welcomed by the partner who is in love. The couple may then get back together again. However, unless something has changed the perception of the dissatisfied partner, the relationship will again seem only second-best. It is not uncommon for these sorts of couples to break apart and return to each other a number of times over the course of five to ten years. Some of these couples will marry; however, the dissatisfied partner will often carry their perception of having settled for a “second best” relationship for years into the marriage.

What We Can Learn From Arranged Marriages

We generally don't give much credence to the notion of arranged marriages in our society. But they have survived through the ages because of the very unromantic phenomena of propinquity. Intimacy develops through the daily close interactions. In the musical "Fiddler on The Roof", Tevya turns to his wife of 25 years and asks: "Do You Love Me? ... After 25 years of cooking for you, cleaning for you, sharing your bed... It's nice to know." We tend to forget that our modern notion of individual choice in marriage and marital fulfillment is a recent historical development.

Our culture has become sexually sophisticated, but relationship ignorant. Most of us in America are now incredulous or disapproving of couples who initiate courtship periods that don’t include sex. Some of us tend to see these couples as “repressed” or “unsophisticated”. However, in our abandonment of the old cultural norms of sexual abstinence, we have also abandoned the emotional buffers and rituals that built trust and healthy boundaries in relationships.

Let’s think about how this works. In America, the guy is supposed to assert himself and ask the woman out. Most men, especially in the beginning of their dating careers go through the tortures of the damned, fearing rejection, figuring out how they will screw up enough courage to ask their woman out. The woman then fears that once the man gets to know her, she will be subsequently rejected by the man for being too unattractive, unintelligent, unsophisticated and so forth. They are on their own when it comes to figuring out how to navigate this emotional minefield. Even emotionally mature couples find themselves alone, confronting a series of ambivalent encounters.

This is not the case in a many traditional cultures. There are a wide variety of cultural traditions that mediate this problem. In the past, parents would simply arrange marriages for their children. While our post-modern sense of individuality is invaded and appalled by this notion, looking at current divorce statistics, we have to admit that we really haven’t done much better at achieving marital happiness or stability than those cultures who have arranged marriages. Instead, we should ask ourselves what can be learned from previous generations and other cultures.

Obviously, marriages that are arranged by parents have their own set of problems. Our own literature is filled with examples of love-struck couples at odds with their parents. However, literature uses conflict to create an interesting story; and so we should not form hasty generalizations from art. Instead, we need to look at current examples, which though comparatively rare, may give us an idea of what arranged marriages have to offer.

Some sects of Orthodox Jews still practice the custom of arranged marriages. One interesting example is the Chabad community. I recently had the opportunity to observe the practice in Portland Oregon when the daughter of the local Chabad rabbi got engaged and married. The practice is a good deal more complex and sophisticated than we might expect. First of all, it is the parents of the bride who will actively look for the groom. The process can take weeks, months or even years. Somewhere around the time that the parents feel the bride is ready for marriage, they will begin the process of making discrete inquiries among families and friends. The mother of the bride will usually interview the mothers of potential grooms. Once a suitable groom has been found, a “date” is arranged for the potential couple. If the bride agrees, the couple may meet each other with an arranged “date”. The potential couple may meet two or three times before they decide to stop seeing each other or get married.

Most of us would cringe at the notion that a couple would commit to each other in marriage after only spending a few hours together. However, let’s compare this to the current norm of having sex shortly after meeting a potential mate. The average American couple risks the accidental birth of a baby before the commitment of marriage. The consequences are then raising a child out of wedlock, abortion, or marriage. All of this is typically done without the support of family and community. One might argue that these issues are easily addressed with birth control. To a certain extent this is true. However, no amount or type of birth control is entirely effective; and so, these issues get pushed into the background, rarely dealt with in a direct and overt fashion by the couple until after sexual relationships have been established. The word sex itself is something of a euphemism. Intercourse, even fornication is something of a euphemism. Making love is another euphemism. Interestingly, the Hebrew language has no parallel to the word sex. The word for sex in Hebrew literally means: “making life.” No matter how you package it, the sexual act has the potential for creating life. No matter how sexually liberated or sophisticated you might be, ignoring this issue is ignoring nine billion years of evolution and your own body.

I’ve counseled a number of adolescents who feel pressured into premarital sex by their peers and the media’s preoccupation with teenage sexuality. When asked what their anxiety is about having sex, inevitably the answer is: “I’m not ready to have a baby yet.” Or, “I’m not ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life.” This has nothing to do with “repressed sexuality”. Instead, this has to do with the lack of preparation and support for marriage. Interestingly, these adolescent clients are more clear and straightforward about these issues than their adult counterparts. This is because as adults we become more adept at denying the relevance of sex. I'm not advocating sexual repression. Instead, I am recomending mindfulness.

The “arranged marriage” has some interesting features that could be helpful to us. First, the bride and groom are emotionally buffered from repeated emotional rejection by the parent’s “winnowing” of potential mates to a “short list”. Second, the two families of the bride and groom are involved in making the match. The marriage becomes a blending of families, as opposed to the blending of individuals where families are belatedly integrated into the couple’s lives. Newly married couples that hold with this tradition are set up and supported financially by the two families until they become self-sufficient. The couple emerges out of the collaboration of two families, not two individuals.

Arranging Your Own Marriage

There are lots of reasons why many of us, especially those of us with divorced parents, are rightfully mistrustful of our parent’s capabilities or our parent's understanding of their children's sensibilities when it comes to marriage. Some individuals feel that they have no model for a successful marriage. Obviously, the arranged marriage is not going to work in our culture.

Nonetheless, my single friends and clients will complain about the difficulties of finding a mate. They’ll throw up their hands and ironically ask: “I’m so tired of dating…. I’m about ready to find an arranged marriage. Do you know of a good match-maker?” None of them were serious, of course, but they wanted to be relieved of the burdens we’ve just discussed. It does not appear that society is going to change anytime soon. However, the question they should be asking is: “How do I establish the emotional buffers and boundaries that arranged marriages offer within the context of my own life?” I’m going to outline some of the options single folks have around this issue and then go into more detail in a series of postings around each of these issues.

Use Family, Friends & Groups to Meet New People
Use the people you know and trust to help you meet prospective partners. If your options are limited by your social network, it’s time to start working on expanding your social interests. Date people in the context of your friends, family and interests. Getting married is different than partying. Pick-ups and blind dates can be fun; and yes, you can meet someone to marry this way. However, these situations leave you particularly vulnerable to invaded boundaries and emotional roller-coaster rides. If a friend offers to fix you up with a blind date, have them do this in the context of a larger social engagement. Arrange a double date or a dinner party where the two of you can “check each other out” without a lot of expectations.

Be Clear About Sex
There are lots of reasons why people engage in sex. Be clear about your reasons to yourself and your partner. Loneliness, sexual hunger, experimentation with relationships, healing from past relationships, and sexual adventures can all be reasons for short term relationships. However, these are not the reasons that necessarily lead to a fulfilling marriage.

Be Clear About Developing Intimacy
Sex can be one of the most intimate things you can engage in with another human being. We sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that it is simply “an itch that needs to be scratched” or a fun “contact sport”. Once you engage in sexual relationships, the clock starts ticking and intimacy begins to develop. It’s not a matter of if emotional bonds are going to begin building it’s only a matter of when. If you found nothing appealing about your prospective bedmate, why would you have sex with them? Remember, even people who are kidnapped can form relationships with their abductors. Remember Patty Hearst?

Be Clear About the Transitions in Your Relationships
The biggest hurdle in forming a relationship is negotiating the transition from a sexual relationship into the next level commitment. Most couples find themselves unable to negotiate their way through this and resolve the situation by postponing a decision to get married or break-up by “waiting to see what happens next”. This leaves the couple in a state of limbo. Waiting to see what happens next usually means the couple has decided to continue with more of the same. You may want to decide to do this. Just remember that your real decision is simply to postpone getting to the heart of the difficulty.

How do I know when I’ve found the right person? Research & Wisdom

My single clients often ask: “What does the scientific research say about finding a good spouse?” I ask them to clarify their interest in their question. They usually say something like: “How do I know when I’ve found the right person?” Unfortunately, the scientific literature is not terribly helpful with this question. Last year I took a seminar in human sexuality. The 450 page text (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, 1998) that was used was a fairly good representative summary of the literature in this field. Typically, out of the 450 pages, only three pages addressed this question. Three studies that were presented indicated that couples tended to be matched by physical attractiveness (Kalick,1988) and another cited matching weight (Schafer & Keith, 1990). A third study was cited indicating that “The central motive for seeking “matches” seems to be fear of rejection by more appealing people (Bernstein et al., 1983)”. Now if this information doesn’t sound useful, you’ll be relieved to know that the text also described the differences in preferences between men and women. The startling observation was made that in 37 cultures that were surveyed, men placed greater value on “good looks” than did women.” In all fairness, the text does go on to address other characteristics like political views and values. However, the conclusions that are derived are just as obvious as the ones I’ve previously mentioned. The reason for this is simple. Scientific research can only deal with that which is directly observable. While this sort of information is scientifically reliable, it is information that is, for the most part, obvious. This is why I will talk about the literature with my client; but I also try to clarify their intent in understanding their motivation for asking.

As a therapist, I’m still stuck with the issue of how to help my client answer the question: “How do I know when I’ve found the right person?” My mother had a better answer than any of the textbooks or articles I’ve read on the subject. She simply said: “Find someone whose happiness is as important to you as your own. Then, make sure that your happiness is as important to them as their own. If it is, you’ve got gold.”

Now, my Mom was a pretty smart cookie. And, she did have a long and happy marriage to my Father, was widowed and had a second happy marriage that lasted nearly 20 years. However, that can’t be the justification for a clinical intervention. However, notice that my Mother’s advice contains a number of implied rules that addresses the client’s problem. If I were to spell these rules out, we would have the following:

1. The client has to be able to look past their own narcissism.
2. Their potential mate has to be able look past their narcissism.
3. Each potential partner has to be attentive and responsive to the other in a positive fashion.
4. Each partner must know themselves sufficiently to understand what makes them happy. This assumes that each partner has some self-awareness and positive self-concept. They must also have the capacity to be emotionally nourished and satisfied.
5. Each partner must know the other person sufficiently to understand what makes them happy. They must have the ability to create emotional intimacy.
6. Each partner must be willing to adapt and positively change in response to the other. They must have the ability to create positive rituals in the marriage, negotiate and collaborate.

Notice that for clients who have the ability to look past their own narcissism, my mother’s wisdom forms an interesting algorithm that challenges exploration of clinical issues. Not surprisingly, reviewing the psychological literature with my clients, something that I routinely do usually leaves them feeling rather skeptical about psychology’s ability to guide and heal. They experience themselves as no better off than when I provided them this information. However, presenting the client with a bit of wisdom like this usually challenges them to examine their own values, confronts their narcissism and stimulates self-examination and growth.


REFERENCES

Bernstein, W.M., et al. (1983) Causal ambiguity and heterosexual affiliation. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 19, 78-92.

Kalick, S. M. (1988). Physical attractiveness as a status cue. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 24, 469-489.

Rathus, Nevid & Fichner-Rathus (1998). Essentials of Human Sexuality. Allyn & Bacon. Needham Heights, MA.

Schafer, R.B. & Keith, P.M. (1990). Matching by weight in married couples: A life cycle perspective. Journal of Social Psychology, 130, 657-664.