The Problem with Communication

Psychotherapy: Marital Counseling: Pre-marital Counseling: Communication

I have come to believe that we give more credence to good communication than is generally warranted. A prevalent expectation is: "if we could only communicate better, we could solve most of our problems". Now, please understand, people who don't communicate well do have more problems. This is because people who have difficulty communicating can't negotiate for their needs effectively. However, if most of my clients (workplace consultations, marital couples and individuals) could resolve their problems through better communication, they would rationally deal with their issues and get on with their lives. Unfortunately, this is not the case. I have often seen instances where better communication actually caused the relationship to deteriorate. For instance, one couple came to see me regarding a long-standing conflict. Convinced that their problem was poor communication, the couple attempted to rescue their marriage by taking a workshop designed to improve their communication skills. The workshop was quite effective in allowing both parties to become more expressive of their feelings. Both partners managed to learn how to communicate their current level of anger, disdain, and disappointment with the relationship more articulately than ever. Both partners knew how to negotiate. However, the couple seemed stuck, headed for the divorce courts with “irreconcilable differences”. This was despite the fact that they could also communicate their love and caring for each other when they weren’t busy engaging in sarcasm and blame. Whenever they tried negotiation, the couple seemed trapped in a series of “violent agreements”, each episode becoming more toxic in their lack of respect for each other.

If you look at our conflicts with our spouses, many of our differences truly are irreconcilable. The list of issues that couples find “irreconcilable” is nearly endless: money, sex, cleaning, friendships, family alliances, religion, values, you name it. Inevitably, couples will have differing values or mutually exclusive desires.

Successful couples don't necessarily "solve" their problems as much as they learn how to minimize the destructive aspects of irreconcilable conflicts and focus their attention on creating a different reality where the unsolvable problem is no longer so important. Couples will often find that the same “unsolvable differences” that appear to be currently destroying the relationship were present when they had first met and were madly in love. If these differences appeared at the beginning of the relationship when the couple was passionately in love, what changed? Typically, what has changed is the amount of respect and consideration that the couple pays each other. John Gottman has done a remarkable job of documenting how the level of respect and consideration can determine the success or destruction of a marriage[1]. While there may not be a solution for the couple’s “irreconcilable differences”, there might be a solution for making the marriage work. The cure here is for the couple to acknowledge each other’s differences and rebuild the couple’s behavior to a style that is mutually respectful and considerate of each other’s needs.



[1] Gottman and Silver, (1999). Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.

Love and Justice

Psychotherapy: Couples Counseling: Pre-Marital Counseling: Relationships: Boundaries

“If you loved me, you would put up with my drinking.”
“If you loved me, you would put up with my sarcasm.”
“If you loved me, you would put up with my chronic unemployment.”
“If you loved me, you would…”

There are quite a number of clients who come into my office confused about how much unconditional love they should bestow upon their partner. Often, they are not aware of a subtle form of emotional blackmail that is being perpetrated upon them. Their partner usually implies or says explicitly that the problem in the relationship would go away if the partner loved them enough to tolerate some toxic behavior.

On the Kaballah’s Tree of Life, the qualities of Love and Justice are paired together. This pairing is intentional. It says to us that there is no love without justice and no justice without love.

We live in limited bodies. We live in a limited world. We live a limited time on earth. We need boundaries to keep us safe and happy. While love may be eternal, we are not. We are limited. That’s why wedding vows usually say something like: “Until death do us part”.

Unconditional love is a wonderful trait – for beings that do not have bodies. Unconditional love implies a lack of boundaries. So long as we live in an envelope of skin, we will have boundaries. As much as I love my wife, I have never allowed her to touch the iris in my eyes. That’s off boundaries. Would it be reasonable for her to say: “If you loved me, you would allow me to touch the iris in your left eye.”? If I never let her touch the iris of my eye, would my love for her be any less powerful or eternal? Sometimes, the highest demonstration of love is a respect for the beloved’s boundaries and needs.

Life is often not fair. Life’s stressors will often demand that one of the partners give more to their partner at times than the other. This is where the polarity between love and justice gets confusing. When it appropriate for one partner to sacrifice themselves more than the other?

In strong, healthy marriages, one partner can sacrifice themselves for another in sometimes amazing ways, enduring long periods of deprivation and even death. However under these extreme conditions, the partner who is the beneficiary of the sacrifice is willing to acknowledge and respond to the needs of the partner who is making the sacrifice.

If one partner’s “unconditional love” becomes the only glue that binds the relationship together because the remaining partner refuses to also make sacrifices, or refuses to acknowledge the needs of their partner, the relationship will fall apart once that “glue” is removed. Here is where the emotional blackmail operates. The partner with the toxic behavior will usually hold themselves hostage to the relationship. The sacrificing partner usually knows that if they set appropriate limits, their partner will probably leave. Often, the person making the sacrifice feels a large emotional investment in the relationship. Their hope was that their sacrifices would be acknowledged and rewarded in the future. The fear of abandonment often “locks” the sacrificing partner into the dilemma of continuing their sacrifice or watching their relationship disintegrate.

Quite reasonably, one might ask, where is the demanding partner’s unconditional love? Shouldn’t unconditional love operate both ways in a relationship? And, if the partner demanding unconditional love were truly serious about this, wouldn’t they eliminate their toxic behavior and act respectfully, courteously, and kindly too?

Where there is no justice, there is no love. Where there is no love, there is no justice.

When Will I Be Prepared For Marriage?

Psychotherapy: Relationships: Pre-Marital Counseling

Never. Marriage is a process. Life presents itself. You never know what is in store for you. Occasionally life gets overwhelming. Life will get overwhelming when you are married too. Nothing prepares you for marriage.

As I said before, marriage is an act of faith. Some things in life will simply be out of your control. When life becomes overwhelming for you in your marriage, you might become emotionally drained to the point of total emotional exhaustion. At that point, the only things that will keep your marriage going are the previous occasions when you demonstrated trust, respect and generosity to your spouse. If you and your spouse are certain that this will continue in the future, you will be able to overcome your adversity.

From the time you decide to get married, you and your spouse will be either storing up emotional resources or draining them. The emotional resources you will be storing up are good will, generosity, respect, trust, good humor and love. Each time you offer your spouse these things, you put “money in your emotional resource bank”. Each time you withdraw from your spouse emotionally or act disrespectfully, you withdraw money from your emotional resource bank. You will either build the account up together or go emotionally bankrupt together. There will be times when you or your spouse will incur emotional debts to each other. Sometimes both of you will be overdrawn. But if there has been sufficient history of good will, generosity, respect, trust, good humor and love, you will extend “credit” toward each other.

The relationship ends when one partner no longer cares. That’s when relationships get broken beyond repair.

When Is It A Good Time To Get Married?

There isn’t a good time. Marriage is an act of faith. An act of faith takes wisdom and courage. Act wisely and courageously.

Relationships: Premarital Counseling