Two Singles Or A Couple?
Psychotherapy: Counseling: Marital Counseling: Premarital Counseling
At a year old, my daughter’s ability to relate to another one-year-old consisted of playing alongside another baby instead of playing with the child. This is typical of children that age. They are self-centered and are still contained in their own world. The child must relinquish their control over their toys, allowing the other baby into their play space. Each baby must make themselves vulnerable to the needs and desires of the other child. A baby must give up complete control over their environment to sufficiently allow their partner the ability to express themselves in play. The ability to withdraw the desire to control, in order to allow one’s partner to express their personality in the relationship is the first step in establishing relationship.
It’s no surprise that the first problem couples usually confront in their relationship is establishing an ecology of power that works. In a marriage, each partner needs to let go of their personal desires to allow both partners to express themselves in the relationship. In some ways, I have seen young married couples attempt to create this ecology of power through a similar “parallel play” process. However, instead of control over stuffed bunnies and blocks, the couple sets themselves up to play in their own separate spheres of career, friends and children. Often, couples will set up their finances separately, each responsible for his bills, her bills and our bills (which are often split 50/50). Chores will be divided up into your chores and my chores. Typically, an unspoken point system gets established early in the relationship. Cracks and schisms in the foundation of the relationship emerge when life events outside the relationship upsets the couple’s point system.
For instance, one partner may decide it is in their best interest to go to school or take a job in another region of the country over the objections of their partner. In some instances, these decisions have caused long-standing feelings of resentment or led to the break-up of the relationship. This is because each partner was not able to sufficiently let go of control to address the needs of the other partner.
Becoming a Couple
As President Lyndon Johnson used to say: “Don’t spit in the soup, we all got to eat.” This is the primary lesson a successful couple has to learn. The actions of one partner affect the other; and, however the other partner is affected will eventually come back to visit the first partner. Essentially each marital couple is a closed system. Whatever enters the system, whether it is introduced from the outside or the inside, will inevitably affect both partners. Anyone who indulges in fear, shame, blame, punishment, retribution, sarcasm, disrespect, inattention, carelessness in the context of a marriage will inevitably find that this sort of negativity will be visited upon them as well.
The successful couple knows that feeding positive emotions like love, joy, humor, protection and nurturance to their partner will also get funneled into the system and will eventually, but inevitably be repaid. As a result, the couple learns how to think and strategize together, including their partner in their goals and plans. They know that what John Lennon wrote was true: “Instant karma is going to get ya!”
At a year old, my daughter’s ability to relate to another one-year-old consisted of playing alongside another baby instead of playing with the child. This is typical of children that age. They are self-centered and are still contained in their own world. The child must relinquish their control over their toys, allowing the other baby into their play space. Each baby must make themselves vulnerable to the needs and desires of the other child. A baby must give up complete control over their environment to sufficiently allow their partner the ability to express themselves in play. The ability to withdraw the desire to control, in order to allow one’s partner to express their personality in the relationship is the first step in establishing relationship.
It’s no surprise that the first problem couples usually confront in their relationship is establishing an ecology of power that works. In a marriage, each partner needs to let go of their personal desires to allow both partners to express themselves in the relationship. In some ways, I have seen young married couples attempt to create this ecology of power through a similar “parallel play” process. However, instead of control over stuffed bunnies and blocks, the couple sets themselves up to play in their own separate spheres of career, friends and children. Often, couples will set up their finances separately, each responsible for his bills, her bills and our bills (which are often split 50/50). Chores will be divided up into your chores and my chores. Typically, an unspoken point system gets established early in the relationship. Cracks and schisms in the foundation of the relationship emerge when life events outside the relationship upsets the couple’s point system.
For instance, one partner may decide it is in their best interest to go to school or take a job in another region of the country over the objections of their partner. In some instances, these decisions have caused long-standing feelings of resentment or led to the break-up of the relationship. This is because each partner was not able to sufficiently let go of control to address the needs of the other partner.
Becoming a Couple
As President Lyndon Johnson used to say: “Don’t spit in the soup, we all got to eat.” This is the primary lesson a successful couple has to learn. The actions of one partner affect the other; and, however the other partner is affected will eventually come back to visit the first partner. Essentially each marital couple is a closed system. Whatever enters the system, whether it is introduced from the outside or the inside, will inevitably affect both partners. Anyone who indulges in fear, shame, blame, punishment, retribution, sarcasm, disrespect, inattention, carelessness in the context of a marriage will inevitably find that this sort of negativity will be visited upon them as well.
The successful couple knows that feeding positive emotions like love, joy, humor, protection and nurturance to their partner will also get funneled into the system and will eventually, but inevitably be repaid. As a result, the couple learns how to think and strategize together, including their partner in their goals and plans. They know that what John Lennon wrote was true: “Instant karma is going to get ya!”
posted by Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT at 12:36 PM
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