Advice to The Newlywed: You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Happy

When my friends got married, I loved throwing bachelor parties. Many of my friends were in the mental health profession. And many of these therapists did couples and family therapy. Inevitably, someone would ask: “What advice do you have for the bride and groom?” One of the best pieces of advice that I heard was simply this: “You can be right or you can be happy.”

When I counsel couples, we inevitably get into a discussion of what is right and wrong. Usually, at least one partner is concerned about being right in an argument. Without fail, one or both spouses will turn to me to be the arbiter of what is right and wrong in their relationship, confident that I will rule in their favor. As a family therapist, I almost always disengage from such a role. One reason is that discussions about being right get bogged down in a circular argument over what is right instead of discussing what works or what will make the couple happy.

This problem goes back to the first couple. Why was it that Adam and Eve were punished so severely for eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil? One would think that understanding the difference between good and evil would be a good thing. Doesn’t our Creator want us to do good and avoid evil? So what is the problem with eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

The difficulty is that we interpret what is good and evil from the immediate perspective of what feels good or feels bad to us. For instance, let’s look at the story of the Zen farmer:

A farmer who has achieved his Zen enlightenment discovers a horse that has wandered onto his fields. His neighbor comes by, sees the horse and says: “Oh, you are so lucky. What a wonderful horse.” The Zen farmer replies: “Could be good, could be bad. I don’t know.” Soon afterward, the Zen farmer’s son tries to tame the horse, falls and breaks his leg. The neighbor visits and says: “I just heard about your son. I’m very sorry to hear about his bad luck.” The Zen farmer says: “Could be good, could be bad. I don’t know.” His neighbor walks away confused. A week later, war breaks out. The army comes through and conscripts all the able bodied young men. The Zen farmer’s son is rejected by the army because he has a broken leg. The Zen farmer’s neighbor comes by and says: “Oh, you are so lucky, you’re son doesn’t have to go to the army and fight.” The Zen farmer says: “Could be good, could be bad, I don’t know.”

The problem with eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil is that we are seduced into believing the limited perspective of our circumstances. Eating of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil intoxicates us with the narcissistic belief that we understand what is ultimately right or wrong.

Now, this is not to say that good and evil do not exist. My own estimation of good and evil is usually processed through my current physiological and emotional state. I see and hear and experience what feels good to me today. I won’t necessarily see good in what feels bad today, but might be good far into the future. So, that means that I have to rely on something outside of myself to wake me up when it doesn’t feel good to do good or avoid evil. And, I have to accept that I might not know what is coming in the future or that I don’t have all the facts to be able to judge the present.

The addiction to being right keeps individuals locked into their addictions and locked into the circular causality of their relationships. This addiction is more seductive and pernicious than the most powerful narcotics. The potential of the pure pleasure of being right whispers the promise that we can finally be vindicated and promotes the fantasy that we can be victorious over those who have hurt us. All too often I have seen alcoholics and drug addicts cling to their “Right to Drink” despite the damage it does to their health and relationships. Just as often, I see individuals (and I fall prey to this myself) seduced by the possibility of being right instead of the desire to make themselves and their partner happy. As a result, winning the argument of being right ultimately turns into the worst sort of losing.

I sometimes wonder why we have never seen a “Self-Righteousness Anonymous.” The answer is simple. We are still too busy eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil to attend the meetings.

Pre-Wedding Freak-out II: Parents

As I mentioned in a previous post, family and friends will tend to act-out just prior or even during a wedding. It’s important to remember that a wedding doesn’t join two individuals in marriage; it joins two families and two sets of friends too. Let’s examine this in a bit more detail by looking at the issues that parents often have around weddings.

Parental Jealousy

We like to think of ourselves as rational human beings. However, if I am honest with myself, occasionally I am far from rational. Sometimes this is a good thing. The strong loving bond between a parent and child is not rational. That relationship transcends rationality. If we placed parenthood on a balance ledger, and weighed the advantages and disadvantages of having children, it would logically appear that kids simply aren’t worth the trouble. Yet, despite the hassle and problems of being a parent, given the choice again, I would make the same decision to be a parent without a moment’s hesitation.

This evolutionary bond is powerful. This is why when we go walking in the woods, the rule of thumb is never walk between a large animal and it’s young. Even an unintentional invasion of this sacred space can provoke an attack if the animal believes their babies are in danger.

Now, I know this is not rational, but even through both my daughters are years away from dating, I’ve already started bulking up at the gym in order to make an impression on my eldest daughter’s first date! I went down to the local scrap yard three years ago to pick out a two foot length of lead pipe so that when my daughter’s young suitor comes to call, I can stand in the front doorway before he comes and ask (holding the lead pipe in my right hand and bouncing it on my left palm): “Where are you going? Who are you going with? When will you be back? Do you have any personal references? What is you parent’s phone number?” I have a dark irrational secret that I won’t admit to anyone, often not even to myself – I’m already jealous of my daughter’s potential suitors.

Remember, I love my two daughters. I have invested my life, career, fortune, time, emotions and even physical stamina in these two kids. I would give my own life for them. Inevitably, my children will grow up and probably want to get married. For 20 or more years they will have been a source of love, pride and joy. After twenty years of this, do you think I want some young, inexperienced little snot to come and take my daughters away from me. Why wouldn’t I be jealous? This is why we have that hackneyed aphorism: “Don’t worry, you’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.” Without a doubt, when this time comes, someone will say this to me. This is the moment when I and any other decent self-respecting parent will buck-up, put on a stiff upper-lip, smile and say: “Yes, I know. Don’t they look wonderful together?” The reason I will smile and agree is simple. Marriage is part of the natural order of life. My job as a parent is to launch my daughter into adulthood. Releasing my daughter at the appropriate time is part of that job.

Will I try to hide my jealousy? Yes, because I owe that to my daughters. It’s part of being a good parent. I hope that when my daughters catch a glimpse of my struggle to let go they will observe my stiff upper lip and know that my struggle with jealousy is just an indication of how strong that bond between us is.


Parental Loss

As I mentioned in my previous post, the marriage of a child inevitably produces a loss for the parent. It’s not that the parent doesn’t also perceive the benefits of the marriage like more free personal time, more expendable money, and more attention from their own spouse. However, the parent will inevitably have to mourn the own loss of their parental role in the married child’s life.

Narcissists

Some of us have a large narcissistic streak in us. You probably know the type. This is the person walks into the room and all the attention instantly turns to them. People who are narcissistic will resent being somewhere the attention is not on them. Weddings can be a hard place for a narcissistic parent as they can unconsciously be jealous of giving up being the center of attention for their kids.

Coping with Pre-Ceremony Parental Freak-outs

1. Don’t get confused by your parent’s jealousy and loss. They are struggling to be rational about the situation. If they have been responsible adults in the past, they will step-up to the challenge. Instead of confronting them directly, simply assume your role as the bride or groom and allow them the dignity of dealing with their irrational feelings in private. If they have a history of not acting responsibly, expect that they will act-out their feelings in the ways they have in the past and make allowances for this in your wedding plans.
2. Remember, you are marrying two sets of families, not just two individuals. Weddings are as much for the family of the couple as it is for the bride and groom. Give your parents well defined roles in the creation and execution of your wedding. This will give them important signals about their place in your new life as well as in your Wedding party.
3. If you have a narcissistic parent, early in the creation of the wedding, give that parent a specific and well-defined place in the event where they know they will be the center of attention. Make sure that you have contingency plans for how to get them off center stage in a decorous fashion if you think they will hog the attention.
4. Delegate two special friends for each parent to act as “go-fer” and emotional support a week before the wedding and the day of the ceremony. Preferably, at least one friend should be someone who is emotionally close to your parents. Their role is to help your parents with the final tasks of the wedding and give them emotional support so that you don’t get sucked into taking care of your parent’s needs when the demands on your time will be maxed out.
   
   Finally, keep it all in perspective. As my mother used to say, “God gives you family, but friends you can choose.” Once the ceremony is over, you and your spouse can go home, close the door, and get on with your new life.
   

What is Romance?

In the old days, miners carried canaries down into their mine shafts. If the canary lived, the mine was safe. If the canary died, the miners knew they were in trouble because of toxic gases. When it comes to relationships, romance tends to be the canary in the mine. When there are serious relationship problems, romance and mutual fun tends to die.

When couples patch their relationships together in therapy, one of the first dilemmas that couples face is how to get the romance back into their lives. They look back nostalgically at the beginning of their relationship, a bit sad at the impossibility of capturing the magic of their first meeting. While this sort of thinking can provide my clients with important clues about what made them excited and happy at the beginning of the relationship, these memories rarely help the couple recapture the magic.

According to Helen Fisher, a prominent anthropologist, romance is the civilization of sex. Viewed from a cultural perspective, this is probably true. This is probably why relationship books rarely go into much depth regarding the nature of romance. Typically, what you see is a lot of talk about the need for romance in a marriage and then a discussion of seduction and foreplay. As most couples will tell you, sex is not romance. However, most couples are hard pressed to tell you exactly what romance is.

As I mentioned before, nostalgically thinking about the way the couple behaved at the beginning of the relationship can offer important clues about the nature of romance.

Couples will generally report that at the beginning of their relationship, when romance was alive, they experienced:
1) The excitement of discovering someone new that you love.
2) A mutual feeling of being special or primary in the other person’s life.
3) A mutual feeling of being understood in a way that was different or more special than in other relationships.
4) A bond that transcended normal relationships.
5) Sexual excitement and novelty.

One or both partners in a troubled relationship will complain that they can’t possibly “recreate the romantic feelings they had when their relationship was new”. However, older, successful couples will actually report an improvement in the value of their relationship with their partner and an improvement in their sex lives over the years. This is because they acquire the trust that allows them to teach each other and learn new things about what gives pleasure to their partner in their daily lives. Couples who are not willing to learn what actually gives their partner pleasure and accommodate them tend to get stuck in their inability to be responsive to the other partner’s emotional requests. It is this lack of trust and the willingness to become vulnerable in expressing one’s needs or moving beyond one’s comfort level to accommodate a partner that keeps the couple stuck. Think of it in these terms. Healthy couples who are romantic are able to find novelty in their own relationships.

As I mentioned before, sex is just one ingredient of the feeling of romance. And certainly, in a healthy relationship, sex is an important element. Often, couples will become sexually bored and resentful because they are unwilling to communicate their desire for exploring new sexual territory. Often, sexual experimentation within the context of a committed relationship will indeed provide the excitement and novelty that both partners seek. However, there is a common dilemma that occurs when the romance has drained out of a couple’s life. If one or both partners feel resentful or hurt, proposing sexual exploration will provoke feelings of bitterness or vulnerability, making sexual exploration too hard a challenge for the couple. All too often, before this aspect of the relationship can be recovered, trust and respect have to be re-established.

So what is romance? If you look at the remaining four perceptions that describe the feeling of romance, we see that romance is the ability for both partners to reciprocally communicate their feelings of being mutually bonded and special to each other. If you are looking for the magic formula for romance, here it is. Simply say these words to cast your spell: “Darling, you’re the most important thing in my life. Nothing else comes close. I don’t care what else happens, we’re going to get through this together.” Then act congruently with this.

I will address how this is done in a future post.

REFERENCES

Fisher, Helen (1982). The Sex Contract: The Evolution of Human Behavior. NY, NY: W. Morrow.
Fisher, Helen (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. NY, NY: Henry Holt & Co.

OK Cupid. Drop That Arrow and Move Away From Your Bow.

Valentines Day is here and I was particularly struck by how virulent our distrust of romance, relationships and marriage has become.

I recently came across an article by Eric Bartels of the Portland Tribune that really captured the ambivalence that our society has regarding marriage. And, he tentatively quotes local sociologist Johanna Brenner regarding some of the relatively good news about marriage. One of the things that caught my eye was that people are waiting longer to get into marriage, they cohabit more outside of marriage and that the divorce rate has leveled out over the last 20 years.

Unfortunately, Dr. Brenner seems to be propagating the myth that cohabitation is a good way to "practice" for marriage. However, research has demonstrated that those couples who cohabit before marriage actually have a higher subsequent chance of divorce than those who do not. See: http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/pubtoptenmyths.htm#1.

If there is good news in all of this, it is certainly that the divorce rate has leveled out. I suspect that the children who grew up with baby-boomer parents are using their own experiences growing up in these "enlightened" families and are determined not to wreak the same havoc on their kids. I'm not sure that the readiness to wait longer to get into marriage or the ease at which people co-habit are necessarily an indication of a wiser or more mature populace. If anything, the couples who come to see me are simply more gun-shy.

Mary Morley, a local Portland e-zine editor for CitySearch wrote an article called: "The Trouble with Love Is..." (http://by106fd.bay106.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?msg=46165C6B-8A1F-4D45-988A-936BD162F3D5&start=0&len=20279&msgread=1&imgsafe=n&curmbox=00000000%2d0000%2d0000%2d0000%2d000000000002&a=c46998fc4f9203d336148cee4cd4ea835fac6503fe6c81584e3d82fe6b6cdb92). articulately expressed her and our cultures ambivalence regarding romance, providing tips on how to ignore Valentines Day. Another local columnist for the Oregonian, S. Renee Mitchell named her column: "Single sisters, be your own darn valentine". She firmly states: "Statistics are clear. Single women can no longer base their happiness on finding a life partner."

Yet, what is equally clear from the statistics is that most of us will attempt to find and make a relationship work. I have noticed in my own work over the last four years that from about now until the summer wedding season is over, I'll see an increase of couples seeking premarital counseling. Many of these will be young adults who are making the leap of faith into their first marriage. However, the larger number of premarital counseling cases I'll see will be those gun shy couples who have been divorced and are looking at the possibility of a second marriage, curious to know what they did wrong and what they need to do to get it right. These are mostly individuals who have taken responsibility for their previous mistakes and have decided to make different choices. I'm always struck by the fact that most of my premarital couples are folks who are aware that the odds are against them, but want to arm themselves against the difficult times they know will arrive.

Fortunately, some of us realize that living a life alone without a partner is not a workable option for most of us. These couples who have chosen the route of premarital counseling have decided to make conscious choices. Will their second marriages work? The statistics are not that hopeful. My experience has been that most people in second marriages simply repeat the mistakes of their first. However this brings up another question. How many of us seriously go through the emotional work that is required to figure out what went wrong? Not many.

Think about this. If you know the odds are against you if you just follow the crowd, do you want to do the same things that everyone else is doing? Sometimes common sense is no sense at all.