I-Statements

I-Statements are probably the best known, most effective and least properly used technique for improving communication, resolving conflict, and setting boundaries. They usually are composed of 3 parts:

1) When you _____, (Report a concrete observation of the other person’s behavior.)
2) I feel_________. (Report on how the other person’s behavior makes you feel.)
3) In the future, please_________. (Make a request.)

Dos

• Do report the other person’s behavior concretely, without characterization or judgment.
• Do report how you feel accurately and without judgment.
• Do make a specific request that is realistic, time-bound, concrete and doable

Don’ts

• Don’t exaggerate, use sarcasm, irony, innuendo, name calling, punishment, or blame.
• Don’t exaggerate or minimize how you feel.
• Don’t turn the I-Statement into a You Statement. (I feel that you…)
• Don’t substitute an evaluation for an emotion. Tell the other person if you are happy, glad, sad, irritated, angry, nervous, afraid, or hurt. Avoid: “I feel like…” or “I feel that…”
• Don’t leave out the request.
• Don’t make unreasonable, impossible or unclear requests.
  

Put This Tool to Work

At first, you might find that using this tool seems difficult, unnatural or fake. As with any tool, it takes time and effort before you get the hang of using it. Practice. Consciously make an effort to use I-Statements in low-risk situations at least 3-5 times a day until you do it naturally, without effort and without having to think about it.
Use I-Statements where they are needed. If you use them at work, be sure that you also use them at home or anywhere else they are needed.

Preventing Pre-Wedding Family Freak-Out

The thought of a wedding usually brings pictures of joyous couples exchanging vows, mothers joyously weeping into lace handkerchiefs and the couple happily exiting in a shower of rice. However, before the first invitation gets printed, I have seen many brides in my office sobbing hysterically, feeling torn apart by the demands of opposing mothers, fiancés, siblings and friends. Both large questions like: Is a priest or minister going to marry us? Who should we invite? Who gets left out? And seemingly small details like the texture of your table place card paper stock can trigger emotional reactions from family and friends that seem totally out of proportion to the task of organizing a wedding. Organizing a major event like a wedding ceremony is hard enough. Having your mother and mother-in-law both in hysterics while you are trying to make a decision can seem unbearable.

Amber, a 25 year old, came into my office complaining that both her mother and mother-in-law broke into an argument around the color of the limo that would drive them away from the ceremony. “This is stupid! It’s not the wedding I want. It’s not the wedding my mother wants. It’s not the wedding anyone wants! I don’t understand why getting married has to be so hard. It’s just a big party!” This is where most brides go wrong in their thinking. Amber is not joining two people in marriage; she is joining two families and two sets of friends. We are talking about a major change in the lives of not just the couple getting married, but their family and friends. There is no getting around it. A marriage is a major milestone in life. Major life transitions, whether they are joyful or not, produces change and change produces stress.


Expect Conflict and Deal with It

The best way to cope with pre-wedding family “freak-out” is to anticipate that weddings provide the crucible for two families to work out their differences. Knowing that there is a higher risk for conflict before a wedding can help you think things through and anticipate problems. Don’t think that you are going to prevent or avoid conflict. This stage of development in your family is all about learning how to work together. As difficult as conflict may be, it’s the appropriate resolution of conflict that will set an important precedence and style for working together in the future. Trying to avoid conflict will only postpone the inevitable confrontation until later.


Establish Your Territory as a Couple

Your marriage ceremony is a statement to your family, friends and community announcing the creation of the family that you and your spouse are building. The creation of your wedding allows you a first chance to establish your own territory as a couple. Don’t try to please everyone. This is an impossible task. Part of establishing your new identity as a married couple is being able to clearly say what you want. This also means saying no to what other members of your family and friends want.

Handling your wedding ceremony sets some important precedents regarding how you and your fiancé will handle conflict with both families. Each of your relatives will be looking to you for an indication of how you will handle conflict. They may not ask, but they will be observing you. Then, they will adjust their usual ways that they cope with conflict to your behavior. Work as a team with your fiancé. He or she may not have the same relationship or emotional baggage with your relatives as you do. Your partner may be able to communicate with a difficult relative in an effective and caring manner because they don’t have the same history with them as you do.


Styles of Conflict

The best way to think about this is to list all of the players from both families and think about how each of them handled stress and conflict in the past. Some people will sit and stew about a slight forever. Others may hold onto resentment and allow their irritation to build until some minor problem becomes “the last straw” and throw a fit about everything all at once. Some individuals may appropriately express their irritation in real time. While past behavior is not always a good predictor for future behavior, you might get some important clues about how to deal with potential “freak-outs”.


Establish Clear Roles, Tasks, and Authority

Once you and your fiancé and ask yourself what kind of wedding you both really want, you can communicate your desires to your family and friends. Clearly designate each family’s roles and authority. Figure out who in your family has the skills and strengths to be able to carry out your wishes. Remember, some people have the desire to help, but no follow-through. Others have the desire, but no skills. Take a clear-eyed look at each individual. Aunt Zelda might fancy herself a gourmet; but if you can’t stand her cooking, don’t take her with you to choose a caterer. Aunt Zelda probably has other strengths that you do appreciate. For instance, she might also have impeccable taste in clothes.

Let’s say Aunt Zelda is the sensitive type who would take offense to not “helping” choose a caterer. Find a different job for her to do that would still allow her to make a contribution to your wedding. You might say something like: “I know that you love to cook, but we need you for something that’s really important to me. Could you help me select my gown?”


Keep Your Perspective Loving and Respectful

While marriage is the most natural and wonderful of all human activities, the families of the bride and groom really do feel a sense of losing a son, daughter, brother or sister. Mom may comfort herself with the cliché: “You’re not losing a son, you’re gaining a daughter”. But the sense of loss is very real. Each family member’s life is going to change in some significant and subtle ways. The easiest and way to help your family members make this important transition is to let them know that you want to make that transition with them together. Let them know that they have a part in your new future. After all, there is life after a wedding.

OK Cupid. Drop That Arrow and Move Away From Your Bow.

Valentines Day is here and I was particularly struck by how virulent our distrust of romance, relationships and marriage has become.

I recently came across an article by Eric Bartels of the Portland Tribune that really captured the ambivalence that our society has regarding marriage. And, he tentatively quotes local sociologist Johanna Brenner regarding some of the relatively good news about marriage. One of the things that caught my eye was that people are waiting longer to get into marriage, they cohabit more outside of marriage and that the divorce rate has leveled out over the last 20 years.

Unfortunately, Dr. Brenner seems to be propagating the myth that cohabitation is a good way to "practice" for marriage. However, research has demonstrated that those couples who cohabit before marriage actually have a higher subsequent chance of divorce than those who do not. See: http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/pubtoptenmyths.htm#1.

If there is good news in all of this, it is certainly that the divorce rate has leveled out. I suspect that the children who grew up with baby-boomer parents are using their own experiences growing up in these "enlightened" families and are determined not to wreak the same havoc on their kids. I'm not sure that the readiness to wait longer to get into marriage or the ease at which people co-habit are necessarily an indication of a wiser or more mature populace. If anything, the couples who come to see me are simply more gun-shy.

Mary Morley, a local Portland e-zine editor for CitySearch wrote an article called: "The Trouble with Love Is..." (http://by106fd.bay106.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?msg=46165C6B-8A1F-4D45-988A-936BD162F3D5&start=0&len=20279&msgread=1&imgsafe=n&curmbox=00000000%2d0000%2d0000%2d0000%2d000000000002&a=c46998fc4f9203d336148cee4cd4ea835fac6503fe6c81584e3d82fe6b6cdb92). articulately expressed her and our cultures ambivalence regarding romance, providing tips on how to ignore Valentines Day. Another local columnist for the Oregonian, S. Renee Mitchell named her column: "Single sisters, be your own darn valentine". She firmly states: "Statistics are clear. Single women can no longer base their happiness on finding a life partner."

Yet, what is equally clear from the statistics is that most of us will attempt to find and make a relationship work. I have noticed in my own work over the last four years that from about now until the summer wedding season is over, I'll see an increase of couples seeking premarital counseling. Many of these will be young adults who are making the leap of faith into their first marriage. However, the larger number of premarital counseling cases I'll see will be those gun shy couples who have been divorced and are looking at the possibility of a second marriage, curious to know what they did wrong and what they need to do to get it right. These are mostly individuals who have taken responsibility for their previous mistakes and have decided to make different choices. I'm always struck by the fact that most of my premarital couples are folks who are aware that the odds are against them, but want to arm themselves against the difficult times they know will arrive.

Fortunately, some of us realize that living a life alone without a partner is not a workable option for most of us. These couples who have chosen the route of premarital counseling have decided to make conscious choices. Will their second marriages work? The statistics are not that hopeful. My experience has been that most people in second marriages simply repeat the mistakes of their first. However this brings up another question. How many of us seriously go through the emotional work that is required to figure out what went wrong? Not many.

Think about this. If you know the odds are against you if you just follow the crowd, do you want to do the same things that everyone else is doing? Sometimes common sense is no sense at all.